Virtual Insanity

Its no shocker that Nonna is not one for technology.  Just today, in fact, she left me a voice message on my phone stating the following:

“Hello this is you Nonna….Hello? I just call to hear your voice.  But I think I have the wrong number because I don know who this person is (note: my answering machine has my married name on it.) But if you want to see if I’m alive call me back.”

Needless to say, technology confuses the poor woman.

Despite the confusion, Nonna’s understanding of technology has expanded over the year.  Indeed, over the past few years of my sister’s world travels, Nonna has embraced technology in some regards. She’s learned to skype (sorta), she’s learned to use calling cards, and she’s learned to embrace that the “y-generation” is constantly connected to their phones.  Though she’s made great strides, Nonna still thinks that the internet is made by some devil spinning its web.

And until recently, our little Nonna did not realize her place in the cyber world…

My sister Brittany, who recently moved onto a spacious pad in the big city, had the occasion to speak with Nonna after viewing my wedding pictures.  What transpired can only be told by my sister herself…

Nonna: I looka at your sister’s wedding pictures. I look beautiful.

Me: Yeah I saw them too, and yes, you look great.

Nonna: I knowa which one I want for my tombstone, I tella your sister already.

Me: Oh, well, okay.

Nonna: Wait, how you look these pictures? You come home and no tell me? Butana.

Me: What? No I saw them online, like on the computer.

Nonna: How they get in there?

Me: I don’t know? She sent the website to everyone to look at.

Nonna: So anyone can look at these pictures because of the devil machine?

Me: Well, yeah. But it isn’t really a devils machine?

Nonna: Yes it is. I don’t want to be on the computer for everyone to see. Even though I look good I don’t want no one to see my picture. Except the tombstone one.

Me: You know we write about you on the internet? So everyone knows all the crazy things you do anyways.

Nonna: You don’t stopa with this shitty thing? Aunt Mary tellin me the other day that I talkin all about sex on the computer, but I thinkin she crazy. But she no crazy. You maka me look crazy.

Me: You are crazy.

Nonna: Taka me off. Now everyone see my face and see my smarts. No one ever gonna need to be around me because of the shitty computa. Actually okay keep me so it keeps all those butanas I don’t like away from me.

Me: Like your friends?

Nonna: I don’t need these people. I don’t need you or your sister either, get outa my face.

The conversation continued as I told her about my weekend, and she cut me off, going back to her life being exposed on the internet.

Nonna: I tella you one thing. I no talk about sex like my sister in law she say. I just sayin its good that your sister can have the sex without havin to live in sin no more. That’s all I say, I no tellin her how to do it, but if she askin me, I tell her. But youre a butana and you don’t listen to me no matta what I tellin you so I don’t care if you havin sex with everyone or no one. Or if you a lesby. I no care.

After Brittany got off the phone with her, she called me.

Nonna: Hey. How come you tellin you Aunt Mary I talk about sex with you?

Me: What are you talking about?

Nonna: Everyone say I talkin about sex and tellin you what I doin. I no have sex for thirty-five years.

Me: Tough life.

Nonna: I tellin you.  I tell you one thing. You married so sex is legal.

Me: I didn’t realize it was illegal.

Nonna: (large gasp) DON YOU KNOW ITS ILLEGAL TIL YOU GET ON MARRIED.  EVERYBODY A VIRGIN. (Spits).

Me: I’m kidding.

Nonna: Good. Because next time I see you I gonna breakin you face.

Me: (hysterical laughter).

Nonna: The message is just one: Don have sex until it is legal and you married. And don have no babies for at least 3 year. Then move on my house and I watch the baby.  Just one. No more baby after one cause I can’t watch it no more. And babies are expense.

Me: Ok. You got it.

Nonna: Now I need to go pray God don punish you for being no virgin anymore.

Me: I thought it was legal.

Nonna: Maybe. I gonna talk to God about this.

I will update you all on the legality of sex in the near future.  Hopefully my next blog post will be about something normal…like phallic egg plants.

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