Andddd We’re Back…

After a lovely hiatus (which included a trip to Antigua, the acquisition of a husband and three months of generally screwing around), Nonna and I have finally reunited, worked through our separation anxiety and settled into a nice little routine which involves nightly post-work phone calls and bi-weekly visits.

As expected…things have changed.  So has Nonna’s level of craziness. Especially because now…”sex is legal.” Sorry Dad.  But Nonna now gives “extra special” marital advice.

Now, as I refuse to sink to her level and discuss her boudoir advice (though, men everywhere should rejoice as Nonna firmly believes women have a duty to put out…As she says “sometimes, you just need to lay there while the man do it”), I will share the recent dating advice she gave me.  Yes, the newleywed apparently needs dating advice (in case things don’t work out?)

Nonna: You know, I watchin all these shows and all these women lookin for men.

Me: Yea, you mean dating shows?

Nonna: Yes. The people looking everywhere for boyfriend.

Me: Yea, a lot of people are looking.

Nonna: I think these people should come over on my house and I tell them how to get a boyfrien.

Me: Oh yea?

Nonna: Yea, I gonna give you advice because you need it.

Me: Uh, why do I need it?

Nonna: Because, one day you might need a boyfrien.

Me: Well, I mean…I hope not.

Nonna: Even you married, you need to make sure the man like you so you husband don go no where.

Me: So I need to learn how to date?

Nonna: Yes it is. You gonna date my way.

Me: Ok. Tell me how.

Nonna: And you gonna tell your sisters and you friends.  You sisters no listen to anything that come out my mouth.

Me: Got it.

Nonna: The girls they need three things to gettin boyfriend.

Me: Oh God.

Nonna: They need beautiful shoes, the beautiful shirt and nice hair.  You don have nice hair you gonna fix.

Me: Ok.

Nonna: I think you look nice if you cut your hair short like mine.

Me: No thanks.

Nonna: One day you gonna do and you gonna say…I look beautiful like my Nonna.

Me: Sure. So, that’s all they need?

Nonna: The boobies they help too. (she lovingly strokes her boobs)

Me:  Uh, Ok.

Nonna: And another thing you gonna remember…man they don wan to marry no girlfriend. They want to marry a wife.  The girls today no remember this. They say I wanna purse, I wanna shoes, I wanna crazy crazy…but they forget the man they don want wife who is a pain in the ass.  They wan marry a girl who can cook and clean and shutup.

Me: So this whole women’s movement has it all wrong?

Nonna: Do they havin boyfriends?

Me: I’ll have to do some research (does anyone know if Elizabeth Cady Stanton dated frequently???)

Nonna: You see…you look around. The girls who know how to do everything nice they gonna find a boyfriend.

Me: Maybe you should write a book.

Nonna: Yes it is. I gonna go on this show and say to these girls “WAKE UP” you need to do the number one right thing like me.

Me: I’ll spread the word.

Nonna: And you remember too. You husband no gonna like you actin like a piece of shit.  Go fix your hair…you disgust.

Well, I guess I know my next project: “Marito” Nonna’s guide to getting (and keeping) a husband.

 

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One thought on “Andddd We’re Back…

  1. Francesca esposito says:

    Best Line —” And you remember too. You husband no gonna like you actin like a piece of shit. Go fix your hair…you disgust”. LMAO

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