After a lovely hiatus (which included a trip to Antigua, the acquisition of a husband and three months of generally screwing around), Nonna and I have finally reunited, worked through our separation anxiety and settled into a nice little routine which involves nightly post-work phone calls and bi-weekly visits.
As expected…things have changed. So has Nonna’s level of craziness. Especially because now…”sex is legal.” Sorry Dad. But Nonna now gives “extra special” marital advice.
Now, as I refuse to sink to her level and discuss her boudoir advice (though, men everywhere should rejoice as Nonna firmly believes women have a duty to put out…As she says “sometimes, you just need to lay there while the man do it”), I will share the recent dating advice she gave me. Yes, the newleywed apparently needs dating advice (in case things don’t work out?)
Nonna: You know, I watchin all these shows and all these women lookin for men.
Me: Yea, you mean dating shows?
Nonna: Yes. The people looking everywhere for boyfriend.
Me: Yea, a lot of people are looking.
Nonna: I think these people should come over on my house and I tell them how to get a boyfrien.
Me: Oh yea?
Nonna: Yea, I gonna give you advice because you need it.
Me: Uh, why do I need it?
Nonna: Because, one day you might need a boyfrien.
Me: Well, I mean…I hope not.
Nonna: Even you married, you need to make sure the man like you so you husband don go no where.
Me: So I need to learn how to date?
Nonna: Yes it is. You gonna date my way.
Me: Ok. Tell me how.
Nonna: And you gonna tell your sisters and you friends. You sisters no listen to anything that come out my mouth.
Me: Got it.
Nonna: The girls they need three things to gettin boyfriend.
Me: Oh God.
Nonna: They need beautiful shoes, the beautiful shirt and nice hair. You don have nice hair you gonna fix.
Nonna: I think you look nice if you cut your hair short like mine.
Me: No thanks.
Nonna: One day you gonna do and you gonna say…I look beautiful like my Nonna.
Me: Sure. So, that’s all they need?
Nonna: The boobies they help too. (she lovingly strokes her boobs)
Me: Uh, Ok.
Nonna: And another thing you gonna remember…man they don wan to marry no girlfriend. They want to marry a wife. The girls today no remember this. They say I wanna purse, I wanna shoes, I wanna crazy crazy…but they forget the man they don want wife who is a pain in the ass. They wan marry a girl who can cook and clean and shutup.
Me: So this whole women’s movement has it all wrong?
Nonna: Do they havin boyfriends?
Me: I’ll have to do some research (does anyone know if Elizabeth Cady Stanton dated frequently???)
Nonna: You see…you look around. The girls who know how to do everything nice they gonna find a boyfriend.
Me: Maybe you should write a book.
Nonna: Yes it is. I gonna go on this show and say to these girls “WAKE UP” you need to do the number one right thing like me.
Me: I’ll spread the word.
Nonna: And you remember too. You husband no gonna like you actin like a piece of shit. Go fix your hair…you disgust.
Well, I guess I know my next project: “Marito” Nonna’s guide to getting (and keeping) a husband.