When Nonna came “on this country” she became immediately immersed in American culture. She celebrated Thanksgiving, Fourth of July and watched General Hospital. Naturally, despite her American baptism, she never forgot her original roots.
Whereas most New Jersey/New York Italians happily fist pump, gym, tan, laundry and eat their mom’s “gravy”…Nonna quietly (sort of) sits in judgment of them. To Nonna, there are “levels” of Italian… 1) Originale Italian 2) Italian Italian and 3) Italian 4) Italian person 5) Snooki (just kidding).
I know you all are wondering where you fit in…so we (yes, this blog has a new coauthor) created a quiz to figure out just how italian you are…
1) Do you have a beard?
This past week, Brittany and Nonna were driving home from the train station (Note – Nonna resigned as Britt’s chauffeur this week…). On their way home they passed by one of Nonna’s friends who was enjoying the gorgeous evening by going on a walk.
Nonna- That lady has a beard…
Brittany- well that’s not very nice
Nonna- I know but its true. If I hada one I shave. I shave my whole face if I have to. She italian italian though
Brittany- Italian italian? What are you?
Nonna- Originale italiano
Brittany- Is there a difference?
Nonna looked at her with a face of disgust.
Nonna: WHAT YOU MEAN??? Of course there a difference, whata you stunad?
Clearly, what seperates the original italians from the italian italians is facial hair…
2) Were you born in Italy?
(Note: if you were born in italy but are a woman with facial hair…you are still italian, italian…)
Naturally, the “originale” italians are born there…however, this is really confusing because my dad was born there…but apparently he’s not originale italian….as she explained to Brittany:
Nonna- Honey, you haveta understand these thing because its who you are.
Brittany- okay so explain.
Nonna- see your food, no one but origionale italiano can make for you.
Note- she was eating salmon, grilled veggies and sweet potatoes. No pasta. No eggplant. No cheese or sauce on anything. Aka terrible example…
Nonna- my friend with the beard she italian italian because she born there.
Brittany- so dads italian italian?
Nonna- no its not because he live there for one year.
Brittany- but he was born there.
Nonna-okay fine so he is italian italian
So now, if you are a man who was born in Italy but only lived there for a year or a woman with facial hair who lived in Italy her whole life you are only italian italian.
3) Were you born in America to a originale italian and are you fluent in Italian?
If so…you are “Italian.” Read: my uncle frank.
Brittany- So….what’s uncle frank?
Brittany- Why? he’s fluent in the language.
Nonna- Because he born in america…
4) Were you born to an italian italian and an Irish woman and lived in Italy for four months?
If so…you are Italian person, like Brittany.
Brittany- So…what am I?
Nonna- a pain in my hasso
Brittany- am I italian italian because I lived there?
Brittany- so I’m just italian?
Nonna- no its not. You italian person because you still irish or something like that but your last name is your blood.
Brittany- ok this doesn’t make sense
Nonna- yes it is.
5) Are you not Italian, but married to an Italian?
What does this make you…? We don’t know…
Brittany- what’s aunt jackie?
Nonna- that’s a good question. Non lo so.
Since Nonna can’t figure it out…using the quiz above…it appears Aunt Jackie is closest to an Italian person as she does not have a beard, nor can she speak the language…
6) Are you snooki?
Me- what’s snookie?
Me- who’s snookie, ya know from the show on tv.
Nonna- oh she number one stunad.
True, but she makes for a great halloween costume.