Real Time Oscar Coverage…

(My friends – I apologize it has been too long…Nonna was away and then…our internet was down.  Please expect some postings in the coming weeks to cover the absolute craziness in my house…)

Anyhow, I would be remiss to deprive you of…

Nonna’s Oscar Special

Today began like any other normal day.  A little coffee, a little Jesus and a little trip to JC Penney.  However, the usual Sunday activities were cut short by Nonna’s need to return home to watch all day Oscar coverage.  Nonna has a thing for celebrity gossip – which she usually gets through reading week old issues of People magazine at my aunt’s house and watching the View.  So, it comes as no surprise that she dedicates a full day to watching coverage of her favorite celebrities all dolled up.  She also uses this night as a way of gauging which celebrities she will like and support in the coming year.  If you have a bad dress, inappropriate speech or unkempt hair, Nonna will black list you and recall your faux pas everytime something bad happens to you during the year…

With the scrutinizing eye only possessed by a neurotic italian woman, she carefully analyzes the fashion and decorum of each celebrity that walks the red carpet.  However, watching the Oscars with her is somewhat problematic because Nonna cannot pronounce 90% of celebrity names. For example, the night kicked off with the following:

Nonna: Hey. I wanna see Jello, let me know when you see her.

Me: What?

Nonna: You know musica Jello.

Me: Like a Jello commercial?

Nonna: No, Jello the musica star. On the idol show.

Me: J-Lo?

Nonna: Yes. That’s what I say.

Me: No you said Jello like the pudding.

Nonna: Same difference on me.

It only got worse from there:

Nonna: Hey. Have you seen Mysa Harsa yet?

Me: Excuse me?

Nonna: Mya Haksa

Me: I don’t know who that is.

Nonna: You know. She sing. Her dad sing. Miksa Hasha.

Me: I literally have NO idea who you are talking about.

Nonna: Her parents broken up because she doing drugs..

Me: MILEY CYRUS?!

Nonna: Yes! What I say?

Me: Ihavenoidea what you said…but you sounded like you were gargling marbles.

(I am forced to duck due to a flying shoe…).

A little bit later, Nonna got to judging the men:

Nonna: I really likin this kid (Justin Timberlake). He so good looking and funny. Why he over here?

Me: He was in a movie.

Nonna: Veramente? I thought he only do dance moves (demonstrates her version of pop and lock…which looks sort of like the robot but performed by a person having a seizure).

Me: You are ridiculous.

Nonna: One day you gonna see me on this show.

Me: Frightening.

Nonna: Who is this guy (Keith Urban). Oh my God he is hagley. She so tall and he is so short.

Me: I think he is cute.

Nonna: No its not. They married?

Me: Yes.

Nonna: Disgust. Why she marry too short men all the time.

Me: Maybe she likes them.

Nonna: Stupid.

After the red carpet walk was over, I asked how she liked the fashion:

Nonna: Nothing too spectaculoso. No one too hagley.

Me: Who was your favorite?

Nonna: I don’t see nothing perfect yet.

Me: Well who did you like?

Nonna: Me.

Me: What about men?

Nonna: Men don’t look no different to me. Tuxedo and that is it.

We proceeded to watch the show…

Nonna: Oh…I like this young girl!

Me: Oh yea, she is fourteen.

Nonna: Yes. She looks so delicate.

Me: Yes.

Nonna: And my favorite Anne. But her hair I don like because she don’t even make it.

Me: Are you just saying these are your favorite because you are looking at them right now.

Nonna: Yes.

The Oscars continued on relatively uneventful…until the Queen Mother of all that is Celebrity walked on stage…

Yes, friends…Oprah Winfrey.

Nonna has a love/hate relationship with Oprah.  If Oprah is discussing celebrities, battered wives or abandoned children, Nonna loves her.  If Oprah is discussing sex or bodily functions, Nonna hates her.  Nonna also hates Oprah every single time she appears at a formal event…

Nonna: You telling me for all this money this woman make she don have no money to buy a nice dress.  I knowin she thinks shes fat and hagley but she no that fat and someone can sewin for her.  This dress look like shit. You know where she is? THE OSCARS. And this is what she is wearing.  I am sick on my stomach of this woman.  I no gonna watch her show anymore.

Me: You say that all the time.

Nonna: Its true this time. I am so tired of her doing this shit.

Me: Okay nutso. I think she looks nice.

Nonna: Then you don have good taste.

A little while later, Nonna caught a glimpse of Jennifer Hudson…

Nonna: Who is this girl?

Me: Jennifer Hudson?

Nonna: She looking good!

Me: I know.

Nonna: But her hair look like a tumor on her head.

Me: Ouch.

Nonna: Who do these girls hair?

Me: I don’t know.

Nonna: I assumin these hair people think they look good but I say no its not.

Me: I agree.

Nonna: Jennifer, come over my house and I make it looks so nice.

Two minutes later…Nonna shut off the tv.

Nonna: I don’t like the show anymore.

Me: Okay I will go upstairs.

Nonna turns back on the tv.

Then…Celine Dion appears and delivers Nonna’s favorite part of the Oscar: the memorial song to those Hollywood icons which passed the prior year…

 True to form…Non begins to cry. Then stands up and gives a standing ovation.

Me: Did you know any of these people?

Nonna: No. But one day I gonna die and be on there.

And with that…she shut off the tv, walked upstairs, and turned off the light.

And now I am sitting here in the dark typing on my computer.

Typical.

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