Captive Audience

If there is one thing Nonna loves more than a good Novena (non-catholics – google), its holding her loved ones prisoner.

A good car ride does juuuust the trick for her.

This week, I had the privilege of driving her to Cape May to see Aunt Mary.  A lovely two hour drive…to nag the HELL out of me.

Like a shotgun at a horse race (do they still do that?), Nonna starts immediately:

Nonna: Honey. You need to vacuum you car.

Me: Ok.

Nonna: You want I do for you?

Me: No.

Nonna: Why can;t I tell you these things.

Me: Excuse me?

Nonna: Everytime I tell you what you do get mad on me.

Me: Because you tell me I am doing something wrong every day. Twice a day.

Nonna: Because I want to make you perfect like me.

Me: Okay.

Nonna: So we vacuum your car as soon as possible.

Me: Okay.

(I turn the volume on the radio up…moments later she turns it down)

Nonna: Do you know where you going?

Me: Yes.

Nonna: You sure?

Me: Yes.

Nonna: I don recognize this place.

Me: We are on the Garden State Parkway.

Nonna: Okay. When I see “zoo” I know we there.

Me: Okay…keep your eyes peeled.

(she then proceeds to crinkle a piece of paper for two minutes)

Me: Can you please stop that.

Nonna: No.

Me: Seriously…its annoying me.

Nonna: Its my job to annoy on you.

(Nonna and I then proceed to have a conversation about where I am going to live after I am married)

Nonna: Okay. I gonna tell you something. Why don you figure out where you gonna live after you get married.

Me: Uh what?

Nonna: You find out where you gonna live after you come home from your honeymoon.

Me: Absolutely not.

Nonna: No its a good idea. You come stay with me for a few weeks and figure it out.

Me: No F**cking way. (Sorry dad, it was necessary)

(Nonna slaps me in the head.)

Nonna: Okay fine.

(golden silence for twenty minutes…until Nonna brings up where she is going to store my shower gifts again…this is a source of major contention between us and my shower isn’t anywhere close…)

Nonna: Okay. I really don want to put in my living room.

Me: Nonna, I have like…$1400 worth of china…you want me to put that in your garage?

Nonna: No, in my porch.

Me: NO.

Nonna: Who gonna take it?

Me: I don’t know…if you put it on the porch in front of an open giant window…SOMEONE might just look in one day and break in the house.

Nonna: No one gonna get in over my house. (Raises her hand and karate chops the air).

Me: Oh my God. Fine. I will move furniture in my bedroom.

Nonna: Where you sister gonna sleep when she get home.

Me: With me.

Nonna: No way. She gonna get her own bed.

Me: Okay. Well we have like 3 months to figure that out.

Nonna: I can’t wait for her to come home because she better than you.


Nonna: ZOO!!!!!!!!!! THE ZOO! TURN AROUND THE ZOO!!!

Me: What?!

Nonna: We here! The zoo! Make a turn.

(I am on the garden state parkway….there is no turn where the zoo sign is…so I keep driving)


Me: Into the woods?

Nonna: They no turn?

Me: No the turn is up here…

Nonna: Don get lost.

We pull up to my aunt’s house and Nonna shoves a twenty in my pocket…I’m gonna use it to buy xanax before I travel with her again.


One thought on “Captive Audience

  1. Elissa says:

    eeeee i used to see novenas printed in the local paper and never knew what they were exactly. thanks wifey!

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