If there is one thing Nonna loves more than a good Novena (non-catholics – google), its holding her loved ones prisoner.
A good car ride does juuuust the trick for her.
This week, I had the privilege of driving her to Cape May to see Aunt Mary. A lovely two hour drive…to nag the HELL out of me.
Like a shotgun at a horse race (do they still do that?), Nonna starts immediately:
Nonna: Honey. You need to vacuum you car.
Nonna: You want I do for you?
Nonna: Why can;t I tell you these things.
Me: Excuse me?
Nonna: Everytime I tell you what you do wrong..you get mad on me.
Me: Because you tell me I am doing something wrong every day. Twice a day.
Nonna: Because I want to make you perfect like me.
Nonna: So we vacuum your car as soon as possible.
(I turn the volume on the radio up…moments later she turns it down)
Nonna: Do you know where you going?
Nonna: You sure?
Nonna: I don recognize this place.
Me: We are on the Garden State Parkway.
Nonna: Okay. When I see “zoo” I know we there.
Me: Okay…keep your eyes peeled.
(she then proceeds to crinkle a piece of paper for two minutes)
Me: Can you please stop that.
Me: Seriously…its annoying me.
Nonna: Its my job to annoy on you.
(Nonna and I then proceed to have a conversation about where I am going to live after I am married)
Nonna: Okay. I gonna tell you something. Why don you figure out where you gonna live after you get married.
Me: Uh what?
Nonna: You find out where you gonna live after you come home from your honeymoon.
Me: Absolutely not.
Nonna: No its a good idea. You come stay with me for a few weeks and figure it out.
Me: No F**cking way. (Sorry dad, it was necessary)
(Nonna slaps me in the head.)
Nonna: Okay fine.
(golden silence for twenty minutes…until Nonna brings up where she is going to store my shower gifts again…this is a source of major contention between us and my shower isn’t anywhere close…)
Nonna: Okay. I really don want to put in my living room.
Me: Nonna, I have like…$1400 worth of china…you want me to put that in your garage?
Nonna: No, in my porch.
Nonna: Who gonna take it?
Me: I don’t know…if you put it on the porch in front of an open giant window…SOMEONE might just look in one day and break in the house.
Nonna: No one gonna get in over my house. (Raises her hand and karate chops the air).
Me: Oh my God. Fine. I will move furniture in my bedroom.
Nonna: Where you sister gonna sleep when she get home.
Me: With me.
Nonna: No way. She gonna get her own bed.
Me: Okay. Well we have like 3 months to figure that out.
Nonna: I can’t wait for her to come home because she better than you.
Nonna: ZOO!!!!!!!!!! THE ZOO! TURN AROUND THE ZOO!!!
Nonna: We here! The zoo! Make a turn.
(I am on the garden state parkway….there is no turn where the zoo sign is…so I keep driving)
Nonna: HEY! YOU GONNA GET LOST. TURN.
Me: Into the woods?
Nonna: They no turn?
Me: No the turn is up here…
Nonna: Don get lost.
We pull up to my aunt’s house and Nonna shoves a twenty in my pocket…I’m gonna use it to buy xanax before I travel with her again.