(No this is not a promotion for my favorite channel’s sister in print…but if any food network executives are reading, I would like my own show…with Nonna of course. And we would like to take on Giada. And Mario Batalli. At the same time.)
As I was drooling over this month’s issue, and hitting myself in the head to avoid the urge to consume pasta and canollis and pizza…I came across a quiz: How Italian Are You?
How could I possibly neglect to give this quiz to Non?
Me: Nonna, lets find out how italian you are!
Nonna: Easy. One hundred percent originale.
Me: No there is a quiz in my magazine…here, where does a cannoli come from?
Nonna: Easy. My hometown.
Me: The correct answer is sicily so we will count it. Ok, where does pizza margherita come from?
Nonna: (deep in thought) I gonna say my hometown number one, but I thinkin it comin from Roma.
Me: (makes incorrect buzzer noise) WRONG! It comes from Naples.
Nonna: It is dirty over there.
Me: I know, but it does have the BEST pizza.
Nonna: Ok, dammi (sicilian for gimmie) another one.
Me: Ok, what kind of pasta is this?
Nonna: Easy. It is rigatoni.
Me: No! Its gemelli.
Nonna: Oh. I never heard of that pasta in my life. These people no italian.
Me: Ok…where does parmegiano reggiano come from? Cow, goat, sheep?
Nonna: I think goat in my hometown.
Me: Wrong- cow!
Nonna: Well in my hometown we doin things differently. If we have a cow we kill so we have steak.
Me: Ok, you are not italian according to this quiz.
Nonna: You right. I no italian.
Me: My whole life is a lie.
Nonna: Honey. You no understand. All these italian things don mean nothing…We no italian people…we siciliano.
Of course she has an explanation.
Nonna: But now, I am americano. Look, I sing God Bless America…
(sings God bless America…the whole thing.)
Nonna: I know it better than you. You sing now.
Me: Ok…(I sing God Bless America and fricken mess up in the middle)
Nonna: (laughter) You no americano and you too irish to be siciliano…you nothing.