Public Service Announcement: Nonna is not Italian.

(No this is not a promotion for my favorite channel’s sister in print…but if any food network executives are reading, I would like my own show…with Nonna of course.  And we would like to take on Giada. And Mario Batalli. At the same time.)

As I was drooling over this month’s issue, and hitting myself in the head to avoid the urge to consume pasta and canollis and pizza…I came across a quiz:  How Italian Are You?

How could I possibly neglect to give this quiz to Non?

Me: Nonna, lets find out how italian you are!

Nonna: Easy. One hundred percent originale.

Me: No there is a quiz in my magazine…here, where does a cannoli come from?

Nonna: Easy. My hometown.

Me: The correct answer is sicily so we will count it.  Ok, where does pizza margherita come from?

Nonna: (deep in thought) I gonna say my hometown number one, but I thinkin it comin from Roma.

Me: (makes incorrect buzzer noise) WRONG! It comes from Naples.

Nonna: It is dirty over there.

Me: I know, but it does have the BEST pizza.

Nonna: Ok, dammi (sicilian for gimmie) another one.

Me: Ok, what kind of pasta is this?

Nonna: Easy. It is rigatoni.

Me: No! Its gemelli.

Nonna: Oh. I never heard of that pasta in my life. These people no italian.

Me: Ok…where does parmegiano reggiano come from? Cow, goat, sheep?

Nonna: I think goat in my hometown.

Me: Wrong- cow!

Nonna: Well in my hometown we doin things differently.  If we have a cow we kill so we have steak.

Me: Ok, you are not italian according to this quiz.

Nonna: You right. I no italian.

Me: My whole life is a lie.

Nonna: Honey. You no understand.  All these italian things don mean nothing…We no italian people…we siciliano.

Of course she has an explanation.

Nonna: But now, I am americano. Look, I sing God Bless America…

(sings God bless America…the whole thing.)

Nonna: I know it better than you. You sing now.

Me: Why?

Nonna: Sing.

Me: Ok…(I sing God Bless America and fricken mess up in the middle)

Nonna: (laughter) You no americano and you too irish to be siciliano…you nothing.

 

rude…

 

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