Brad v. Brian

After the Christmas decorations are put away, and the new years resolutions are broken, Nonna and I settle into one of our favorite (bi or tri) yearly traditions…the Bachelor.

Now, yes…I know it is degrading to women.  Yes, I get it…most of these women are crazy and/or need serious medication (no judgment…). But I love it…and more importantly, Nonna loves it.

If by love you mean hate with a burning intense passion.

This year’s bachelor is Brad. Dumb as a doornail (but oh so lovely to look at) Brad.  Nonna’s history with Brad is as follows:  The FIRST time Brad was on the show, he was the only Bachelor (up and until that point) that Nonna truly detested (due to his insignificant IQ and his inability to keep it in his pants).

UNTIL he picked NO ONE.

Then, as Nonna thinks love is for DUMMIES, Nonna praised his inability to commit.  Every season finale she would hope the next bachelor(ette) would choose no one like “the dumb guy” because “he the only one to thinkin with this” (points to head”) “not this” (points to genitalia).  So, when Nonna heard Brad was back for more loving, she started watching with bated breath, hoping that as he drops women he is one step closer to, once again, going home alone (…I can’t wait for the season finale when he picks the crazy slut).

Week after week we’ve watched as Brad tossed the non-anorexic and/or intelligent girls to the curb.  This gives Nonna great joy…but not for the reason you think…

it’s because she is playing matchmaker.

Meet Brian: Chris’ awesome (dare I say, handsome) best man.  Brian is charismatic, funny (not to mention, the former voice of Villanova, and star of Brian’s life) and…single.  In another life, Nonna may have hit on Brian.  But in this life, Nonna wants to set him up with EVERY. SINGLE. BACHELOR. REJECT.

Please note: Nonna has met Brian one time…and he refused a chicken cutlet…

Every time a little chicky stands empty-handed at the rose ceremony, Nonna assesses her viability as Brian’s future wife:

“I think I really like her…but no for Brian.  Brian needs a girl who is a go-getter.  This girl only want one thing…baby.”

or

“That girl is nice, but…she ugly.  Brian need a girl who is beautiful number one.”

or

“You think Brian would like that girl? I think they would get a long but…she live too far away.  Brian not gonna be that far.”

But this week…Lisa was eliminated.

When Brad sent her packing, Nonna was PISSED.

Nonna: WHY HE SEND THIS GIRL HOME. SHE SMART. BEAUTIFUL.

Me: I dunno, he likes dumb girls.

Nonna: LEEESA. COME OVER MY HOUSE. I HAVE THE PERFECT MAN FOR YOU.

Me: Let me guess.

Nonna: Call Brian.  Tell him to come over. I gonna invite Lisa over. I make dinner and I leave.

Me: Well, I don’t know if that is practical.

Nonna: You right, I gonna enjoy dinner with them.

Me: No. I mean, Lisa probably lives somewhere random.

Nonna: No I know this girl gonna live in New York and they can go to dinner together.

Me: Ok…

Nonna: That kid is so nice and this girl is so nice…so they go together.

Me: Oh…that makes sense.

Nonna: You gonna see.  They gonna get married on television and I gonna be number one guest.

Lisa, if you are out there…come over Nonna’s house, we’ll get you some pasta and some man. (I could have made the obvious sausage joke but I’m trying to keep it PG). Brian, if you’re interested…maybe this time you won’t pass up the chicken.

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