Apparently, Nonna has an alternative to keeping your pants on…If you are going to sleep with someone…make sure they are good looking.
This week Nonna was watching some talk show, and they were speaking about distributing condoms to young men to encourage safe sex practices. This really pissed Nonna off. I came home from work, ready to enjoy a nice, quiet dinner before my evening TV began when…
Nonna: WHY THESE PEOPLE SO STUPID!?
Me: Excuse me?
Nonna: These people on tv…they so stupid. All they saying in sex this and sex that…I dont want no sex on TV. If I wanna sex I go find it.
Nonna: Don you know what I see on TV today…I see these mothers given their sons condos.
Nonna: The thingin you put around you pee.
Nonna: Yes. The mothers given to you son and say…go havin sex. When I come on this country I thought these things were balloon and I blow them up. How these kids know what they is.
Me: (cautiously) I just don’t know…TV?
Nonna: You thinkin these kids know where to even put it?
Me: Put what?
Nonna: The condo.
Nonna: When my kids growing up, before he die, my husband used to say…make sure the boys know one thing…if they gonna have the sex, makin sure its with a good looking woman. So, if you make a baby at least the baby is half beautiful.
Me: Are you kidding me?!
Nonna: Yes it is the truth. My number one rule is keepin the zipper ZOOOP (makes zipper sign). My number two rule is only have sex with good looking people like your Nonna.
Me: So would you suggest we all carry around your picture in our wallet to make sure the people we sleep with are as good looking as you?
Nonna: Yes it is. But you keeping you pants on.
Me: Yes ma’am.
Nonna: And don make no babies for two years.
Nonna: In two years I wanna my great grandson.
Me: Ok, Great-Nonna.
Nonna: People is a pigs. Don you forget.
Man, the damage this woman would do in a sex ed class.