I have to give Nonna credit…like a good partner, she really tries to embrace my interests.  However, sometimes watching a baseball game with her is very confusing…and not just because she watches Telenovellas on TV1 while we watch the Phils on TV 2.  Watching baseball with her is especially confusing because she often confuses re-plays for plays, reverses the score and cheers at inopportune moments.  So, in order to transform her into a suitable viewing buddy, I’ve begun to give Nonna lessons about baseball during dinner.  For the past few nights, it has gone fairly well…but tonight, we took a turn for the worse.

Nonna: Hey. The Phillies is out no?

Me: No. They will be out if they lose tonight.

Nonna: They stink huh?

Me: Uh, its been tough.

Nonna: Ok, who the guy who making all the sign language.

Me: What?

(Nonna stands up and starts behaving like an umpire, complete with large “safe” “strike” and “out” motions)

Me: Oh the umpire.

Nonna: That guy look like a dummy to me.

Me: Uh, some of them are…but they pretty much call the shots.

Nonna: Don you think I like an um…how you say?

Me: Umpire…and no.

Nonna: I callen all the shots.

Me: That is true.

Nonna: So, when the guy makin bad call…what happens?

Me: Well, nothing really…people just yell at him.

Nonna: He no get fired?

Me: I mean, not during the game…maybe if he was a really bad umpire for a long time…

Nonna: Hm. So whats it mean when he do this (makes safe sign)

Me: The runner made it to the base before someone could tag him out.

Nonna: H-ok. Whats it mean when he does this (makes out sign)

Me: It means, the runner didn’t make it to the base before he was tagged or the batter had three strikes.

Nonna: Wassit mean “ball”

Me: Chris and I explained this to you on Sunday.

Nonna: No, you telling me something that don make no sense.

Me: Well I don’t know how else to explain it.

Nonna: You stinkin.

Me: Ok…

Nonna: I hate baseball.

Me: Why?

Nonna: Because the same team always win and the same things always happen.

Me: Ok…

Nonna: And I no root for the Phillies anymore.

Me: Ok…

Nonna: Screw you.

Me: All because I can’t explain what a ball is in a different way?

Nonna: Yes it is. I watching years of you playin field hockey and no one explain on me the rules. So I watch and I watch and I pray…but I still no understand except a goal. So now you try and explain to me how you play base-a-ball and the only thing I understand is when they score. Now you take all the pleasure off on me.

Me: (silence)…the Phillies are on.

Nonna: Fine. I go movin my big TV from my bedroom and watchin my show (telenovella).  I hope the Phillies lose.

Me: Ok.

Nonna: (comes over and kisses my head).  I just teasin on you. I hopin they win so you don’t slam the door again.


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