Life Lessons 101

I must apologize (particularly to my sister – this week’s guest blogger) for the delay in blogging…it has been a pretty hectic week because…

Baby Immo left for college!

(for the first time)

Whenever a child leaves Nonna’s nest it is the cause of great sadness and great anxiety in her life.  While this is a sentiment which is undoubtedly shared by most parents (cept for Pop Immo who is celebrating his finally quiet household while sipping limoncello – what up dad!), Nonna has a tendency to…exaggerate the sadness and anxiety most (grand) parents feel.

How so you might ask?

1) She hasn’t slept in five days.

2) She has cried  at every meal for seven days.

3) She upped her church appearances by three.

4) Every time BabyImmo came over, Nonna handed her a new religious item.

But the most tell-tale sign a child is leaving Nonna’s nest is…her unlimited dispensing of  inappropriate and often shocking advice.  To give you a taste of what type of advice I speak of…I will turn this blog over to my sister Brittany (appearing live from Bangkok) who BY FAR has the best pre-college Nonna advice story…

In lieu of babimmo (baby immo) leaving for ECU in just a few days, I could not help but hope that Nonna would pull out her best card…or rosary… and give her the going away to college speech I was lucky enough to receive just 4 years ago. Just a few night before I left for college,  My sister and I stayed around after dinner so I was able to soak in as much of Nonna’s absurdities before my departure to college. While normally, I would get impatient while Nonna spoke about random things she did throughout he day, on this particular occasion she stood up to lend me some “advice.”

Nonna: “Honey. I gonna tell you one ting and the ting is just one, and I don not care if you like it or no.”

I literally put my head on the table in defeat…

Me: “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?”

Nonna: “Don you say this shitty ting to me. You gonna LISTEN. Butana.”

And then it happened.

Nonna: “Everytime you take a sip of alcohol, picture my face CRY.”

As I’m sure you can imagine, she was creepily standing over my chair, eyes bulging,  aggressively pointing to her face. My jaw dropped and I didn’t know if this was actually happening in my life or if I was ever going to be able to actually explain to people what was going on.

I just stared back in her bug eyes and nod. I mean, what else could I have possibly said to that?

And then it happened…again.

Nonna: “Oh and I gotta tell one you otha ting. YOU NO TAKE YOUR PANTS DOWN FOR NOBODY.

She’s still standing, except now she’s about to break out into a cold sweat. There was no way I wasn’t going to laugh in her face for this one.

Nonna: “WHY YOU LAUGH? YOU LISTEN TO ME TOO. I NUMBER ONE BEAUTIFUL WOMAN. YOU WANT TO BE LIKE ME. NUMBER ONE. YOU NO DRINK EITHER.”

My sister: “I’m 21 and just graduated college, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.

Nonna: “YES IT IS. Butanas, boat of you.

And with that…my first college lesson concluded.

From thousands of miles away, without any way to really prompt this conversation myself, I can only hope that with Babimmo’s departure will come with some more Nonna wisdom that I can use …or cheers to.

(Ok its me again)

Sure as hell, she gave Baby Immo the same speech again.  This time, however, she actually cried, and pleaded with the baby not to drink or have sex with random men.

And then…she said this:

“I want you to graduate in four years. No five.”

Now, this is confusing for a few reasons…1) she knows my sister is going to school to be a nurse…so there is a pretty high possibility she will need five years of school to complete her degree if she wants her masters… and 2) its pretty much non-negotiable in my household that you finish your bachelors in four years or the money train stops.

Baby Immo: Well, I might need five.

Nonna: No its not. You gonna finish in four years. You come back home and live with me.

Baby Immo stands still in fear.

Me: Non, she will be done in four years, don’t worry.

Nonna: (begins to cry again) please. Please do for me.

Me: Ok, this is getting awkward stop crying.

(Lauren leaves immediately).

Nonna: I just wan her to get her degree in four years.

Me: Uh…she will, the five years will be her masters.

Nonna: WHY YOU PEOPLE SPENDING MONEY ALL THE TIME.

Me: What?

Nonna: MASTERS? CHE COSA FA MASTERS?

Me: Like…how I went to law school…but for nursing.

Nonna: Oh…Ok…I want her to be in school for five years.  Tellin her to stay. Please.  I want her to be somebody.

Me: Ok. I’ll tell her.

Nonna: I go pray now.

And with tears in her eyes she ascended the stairs…

Since returning from the big drop off…Nonna has been seen crying on four separate occasions.  And she wonders why we asked her not to come this time…

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One thought on “Life Lessons 101

  1. Alison Williams says:

    Kelly, I am a friend of Mrs. Thiel’s and she showed me your website via of Katie and you are hysterically funny! I’d love to read more! I honestly think Nonna needs to be a sitcom! I love to laugh so I am hoping you will send my a notice everytime you update! Take care.

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