Nonna is addicted to Channel 6 News.
Well, actually she is addicted to Channel 6 period, but she especially enjoys their news programs.
Watching news with Nonna is a bit like watching a sporting event. She hears a story and then reacts with intense emotion, which sometimes includes “boo-ing” the newscasters…
For example, this morning, Nonna and I were watching the Saturday news when they discussed a story about the man who stabbed 8 people. No doubt, a terrible and tragic event. Nonna was watching this story intensely, rocking back and forth shaking her head. After the story ended, she looked at me and screamed:
WHY THIS JACK OFF-A DOIN THINGS LIKE THIS!!?
Me: If I knew why, I would probably be on television.
Nonna: WHY HE GOING TO JAIL? WE ALL HAVE TO FEEEEEEEEED HIM. THEY SHOULD KILL HIM.
Me: Ah…well obviously you approve the death penalty.
Nonna: What’s it mean?
Me: When they kill people after they commit crimes.
Nonna: Yes it is. Why I gonna pay for these people to live in jail. Jail is a nice place. They feed, they go to the gym, they no work. And I PAY. YOU PAY. WE ALL PAY.
Me: I understand.
Nonna: I gonna kill on somebody and go to jail for VACATION. Because thats what it looking like these people go to. VA-CA-TION. No Jail. JAIL? What’s it mean JAIL?
Me: Ok…we should stop watching the news…
Nonna: I just gonna tell you one thing. News makin me sick. All this rock em roll.
Me: Understood. (I have not finished my coffee at this point…and anyone who knows me knows what I am like without my coffee).
We continued watching the news. Nonna thought a story about Dan Quayle’s son “renting a family” was particularly hilarious. (Nonna: Wha is he stooopid?) Everything was going well and good until…they ran the daily story about the Gulf Oil Spill. If its one thing Nonna hates more than stabbing assailants its oil spill coverage.
Nonna: (LOUDEST GROAN EVER) C’mon…why I gonna hear about this shitty thing. No more oil. They keep playin on the thing its going to explode
Me: that’s what she said.
Nonna: What’s that mean?
Me: Nothing (secretly dying of laughter on the inside)
Nonna: Every day they doing something different. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. These people stoopid?
Me: Well they are trying to permanently seal it.
Nonna: So you telling me the oil no stop.
Me: No it stopped…they just want to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
Nonna: Oh ok. But they keep doing all these things and they gonna break again. You watch. I only went to fifth grade three times but the more you playing with these things the worse it is.
Me: I see what you mean.
After that, Nonna told me she needed to walk in her garden to calm down. That was twenty minutes ago.
Now, I plan to create an olive oil spill in our kitchen to see how she will fix the problem…