Day 310: And you thought saturated fat contributes to heart disease…

Contrary to current medical theories…living with Nonna increases your chances of having a heart attack by 75%.  Now, before you all “curse on me” for suggesting Nonna is something other than a joy to live with…I am referring to Nonna’s new favorite activity: scaring the shit out of me.

For example, recently, she has disappeared for hours without telling me where she is, mysteriously walked away from the house with all the doors open and…began to hide in the house waiting for an opportune time to jump out and yell at me. While her random disappearances are disconcerting, more problematic for me is her pure enjoyment at fitting her 4’11 body in some obscure place in the house, anxiously awaiting my arrival.  Like this morning at 5:45 am.  I walk downstairs to take my shower, thinking Nonna is still sleeping.  However, just as I crossed the kitchen, Nonna literally jumps up from behind the table and yells “HAYAAAAAAAA” Not knowing what just happened, I jumped over the chair, fell onto the floor and practically peed my pants (If you know me, the last action is not surprising). Nonna started hysterically laughing and I just remained on the floor, stunned…and pinching myself to make sure I had not died from shock.

After I recouped…barely…I screamed at Nonna: “WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ABOUT.”

Nonna: (still laughing) You need to be prepare on these things.

Me: Prepared for what? Ninjas?

Nonna: Yes it is. People can hurt on you.

Me: Ok…but, how would you expect me to respond.

Nonna: You go upstairs, get your gun and BOOM.

Me: Um…I don’t have a gun.

Nonna: You gonna get one.

Me: No. I’m probably not.

Nonna: Then I gonna give you one for your wedding.

Me: Oh that will be great at my shower. Oh here is a place setting! Oh here is a blender! Oh…Nonna…you shouldn’t have…a 7mm!

Nonna: Beautiful.

I proceeded to shower, and when I walked out, Nonna was again no where to be found.  I grabbed my cup of coffee and went upstairs, looking over my shoulder for my gun-wielding grandma.  It was suspiciously quiet…but I continued  to my bedroom.  When, all of a sudden…she jumps out from the bathroom…HEY!

Me: (on to her…I wield out my fake finger pistol) Boom!

Nonna: Hey…You no supposed to shoot me…

Me: (blows smoke off finger pistol) You no supposed to scare on me.

Nonna: Bitch.

I’ll be sleeping with that pistol under my pillow tonight…


One thought on “Day 310: And you thought saturated fat contributes to heart disease…

  1. blue says:

    id buy this book.

    pure comedy.

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