Day 252: The Great Peep Massacre

It is a tradition in my house to blow up marshmallow peeps in the microwave every Easter Sunday. (If you have never done it…try it out, I promise you will not regret it). Since me, my sisters and my dad all find this tradition particularly hilarious, we all get eachother packages of Peeps.  Now, we blow up – at most – 5-6 peeps.  This leaves a significant excess of the marshmallow creatures after easter has passed.  Therefore, a second tradition has arisen:  allowing the peeps to solidfy to inedible statues and disposing of them upon their solidfication. 

On Saturday, I went to dispose of these peeps when they were snatched from my hand just as I approached the trash can…

Nonna: Wha you doin?

Me: Throwing these away?

Nonna: Why you doin that?

Me: Because they are stale and no one eats them?

Nonna: You tellin me you gonna throw away this beautiful candy?

Me: Yes.

Nonna: You know how many people want this.

Me: Well if you know people you can give it to them.

Nonna: H-ok its a good idea.

I hand over the peeps and head back upstairs.  A couple hours later I came downstairs to find this…

Yes. These are the carcases of peep chicks which were left behind carelessly by the savage Nonna. These were only the beginning signs of the destruction I would ultimately find.

Me: Nonna…why are there deformed peeps on the table.

Nonna: (calling from the other room) I eatin the inside.

Me: What?

Nonna emerges…her tongue is an unusual shade of blue…

Nonna: I no like the sugar, so i eaten the marshmallow on the inside but I don like it.

Me: That is so weird.

Nonna: They no good with the sugar. They no good on the inside either.

Me: Well then why are you eating them?

Nonna: I don waste nothing.

Me: How many did you eat…

Nonna gestures towards a bag on the washing machine. Inside was, no lie, the remainder of the peeps I intended to throw away earlier that day.  I would post the picture but its pretty gross…

Me: SERIOUSLY?!

Nonna: I don feel good, but at least I no feel bad that the children who want this shitty thing don have it.

Me: That doesn’t even make sense.

Nonna: Yes it is. You know how many children kill for these things.

Me: THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE DONATED THEM SOMEWHERE!

Nonna: You and you father and sister should buy one package.

Me: Ok, you are right about that…but seriously, did you have to eat the whole thing?

Nonna: Yes it is. Don make fun on me.

Me: Seriously, you don want me to make fun of you? You look like you eat a smurf.

Nonna: What is this smurf?

Me: Its like a little blue thing?

Nonna: You mean a smurf with a graham cracker. Why no I think of this. I put the marshmallow shit in a graham cracker. I think I have one more…

Me: NO!

I proceed to dramatically grab the bag from her hands and run outside to throw the peeps away…Nonna threw her shoe at me…it missed me by a fraction of an inch. I would have gladly taken a shoe to the head to prevent her from eating any more peeps and going into some sort of sugar coma…I may not pay rent, but I consider this my duty as a tenant. And for peeps everywhere.

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