It is a tradition in my house to blow up marshmallow peeps in the microwave every Easter Sunday. (If you have never done it…try it out, I promise you will not regret it). Since me, my sisters and my dad all find this tradition particularly hilarious, we all get eachother packages of Peeps. Now, we blow up – at most – 5-6 peeps. This leaves a significant excess of the marshmallow creatures after easter has passed. Therefore, a second tradition has arisen: allowing the peeps to solidfy to inedible statues and disposing of them upon their solidfication.
On Saturday, I went to dispose of these peeps when they were snatched from my hand just as I approached the trash can…
Nonna: Wha you doin?
Me: Throwing these away?
Nonna: Why you doin that?
Me: Because they are stale and no one eats them?
Nonna: You tellin me you gonna throw away this beautiful candy?
Nonna: You know how many people want this.
Me: Well if you know people you can give it to them.
Nonna: H-ok its a good idea.
Yes. These are the carcases of peep chicks which were left behind carelessly by the savage Nonna. These were only the beginning signs of the destruction I would ultimately find.
Me: Nonna…why are there deformed peeps on the table.
Nonna: (calling from the other room) I eatin the inside.
Nonna emerges…her tongue is an unusual shade of blue…
Nonna: I no like the sugar, so i eaten the marshmallow on the inside but I don like it.
Me: That is so weird.
Nonna: They no good with the sugar. They no good on the inside either.
Me: Well then why are you eating them?
Nonna: I don waste nothing.
Me: How many did you eat…
Nonna gestures towards a bag on the washing machine. Inside was, no lie, the remainder of the peeps I intended to throw away earlier that day. I would post the picture but its pretty gross…
Nonna: I don feel good, but at least I no feel bad that the children who want this shitty thing don have it.
Me: That doesn’t even make sense.
Nonna: Yes it is. You know how many children kill for these things.
Me: THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE DONATED THEM SOMEWHERE!
Nonna: You and you father and sister should buy one package.
Me: Ok, you are right about that…but seriously, did you have to eat the whole thing?
Nonna: Yes it is. Don make fun on me.
Me: Seriously, you don want me to make fun of you? You look like you eat a smurf.
Nonna: What is this smurf?
Me: Its like a little blue thing?
Nonna: You mean a smurf with a graham cracker. Why no I think of this. I put the marshmallow shit in a graham cracker. I think I have one more…
I proceed to dramatically grab the bag from her hands and run outside to throw the peeps away…Nonna threw her shoe at me…it missed me by a fraction of an inch. I would have gladly taken a shoe to the head to prevent her from eating any more peeps and going into some sort of sugar coma…I may not pay rent, but I consider this my duty as a tenant. And for peeps everywhere.