In the Catholic Church, we call the time from Holy Thursday to Easter Sunday the “Tridduum,” This is a time where all Catholics are expected to be “still” and reflect in preparation for the resurrection of Jesus on Easter Sunday. Naturally, Nonna takes this practice very seriously, and spent the past few days in Church as much as possible. When she wasn’t in Church…she was going crazy. Which, of course, she blames on the “devil.” According to Nonna, anything bad that happened or any time she was rude or nuts, she said its because Jesus is dead and the devil is everywhere.: A plate breaks: the devil is here… She talks crap about someone: “It looka like the devil is onside of me….” food didn’t taste good:”the devil came while I was cooking” and so forth and so forth…I was beginning to get scared that one day I would come home and her head would be on backwards or she would be floating above her bed…but fortunately it didn’t come to that. The devil left the house by this morning.
Because the past few days have been jam packed full of Nonna moments, I have chosen to break down her antics by day to be sure you receive all the hilarity. I hope you are ready for the ride, it’s going to be a long one (that’s what she said?).
Boyfriend Chris arrived at Casa de Nonna on thursday afternoon. After crazy amounts of traffic, Chris was ready for some food and relaxation…however,when I called to let him know I was on my way home, this is the conversation that followed.
Me: Ok, I’ll be home in an hour.
Chris: (hesitantly) ok…
Me: What are you doing?
Chris: (quietly) Watching a video of the Stations of the Cross…
Chris: I am watching a video of the Stations of the Cross.
I hung up the phone and laughed the whole way home imagining the two of them watching a VHS video of the Stations of Cross together…I was secretly hoping to come home to the two of them praying a rosary together. While that was hilarious enough…it was topped by Nonna’s purchase for Chris: a brand new, shiny, inflatable pool:
Or an air mattress. Because I complained about having to sleep with Nonna whenever Chris came to visit (as Nonna’s mattress is older than I am), Nonna found an air mattress on sale at JC Penny and promptly purchased it. Well, when Chris and I went to blow it up, we were amazed when, instead of going out (like most air mattresses) it went UP. Chris looked like he was reenacting the Princess and the Pea. When Nonna saw it in the morning, she laid down on it and informed me that this was the most beautiful thing in the world. I, on the other hand, was concerned Chris was going to break his neck if he fell out of it.
By the time I arose, Nonna had already returned from her first of three church visits. We had some breakfast together and Nonna told me, for the seventeenth time this week, how in her hometown she was required to wear all black for the week. I asked her why she wasn’t wearing black (she was wearing white). She promptly informed me that it is acceptable to wear black, gray and white to a funeral. Sometimes I think its so helpful to live with someone so educated on the way of the world…
Later that day Nonna started in on one of her favorite topics: how I suck at doing my hair. By this time, Brittany my sister had arrived home. I must say, Brittany has beautiful hair and is very good at “doing it.” Nonna proceeded to inform me how I need to give my hair more body, and pleaded with my sister to teach me how to blow dry my hair. Seriously, I know I am not the best at blowing my hair dry, but she makes it seem like I walk out of the house looking like I stuck my finger in an electric socket (which I did actually do when I was two years old — I was blown across the room in Nonna’s house…don’t worry, I walked away unharmed). Brittany then agreed to give me a haircut. She did an excellent job, and cut all my layers (woo hoo!). As I was blowing my hair dry, Nonna came upstairs and said
Nonna: Your bitch sister do a good job?
Nonna: She is a very good at hair. You should have her teachin you.
Me: Nonna. stop.
Nonna: One day you gonna say My Nonna is a beautiful and knows everything. But no body listen to me now…looka like I die.
Me:: Ok….leave me alone.
Then she went to Church for the second time. When she returned two hours later…
Brittany: How was Jesus’ funeral? Better than last year?
Nonna: Beautiful. You should go some time.
Brittany: No thanks.
Nonna then invited over my dad and step mom for dinner. Or what I refer to as Carb Fest 2010.
We had: Two kinds of Stromboli: spinach and cheese and (brace yourself Lizzie…) Eggplant Parm. Woah. Then we had pasta with sardine sauce, frittata and potatoes.. While this alone is impressive, what is more impressive is Nonna’s inability to give my father anything less than a mountain of food when he comes over for dinner. When my dad sat down for dinner, Nonna presented him with the largest plate of pasta I have ever seen in my life…it was literally about three inches high. My dad of course protested…and then promptly ate the whole thing. Nonna sat down next to my dad and for the next half hour, spoke only to him. When we finally called her out on it, she informed us that no one is like her son and he is her beautiful baby. I’m sure my 51 year old father appreciates being called a mama’s boy in front of his wife…
After dinner, and a quick change to stretch pants…Nonna was out to Church #3 – the Living Stations of the Cross performed by the local Catholic School’s Sixth grade Class. Nonna hates it. She thinks its so stupid…and says they don’t do it right…I don’t really know HOW you can do the Stations of the Cross wrong…but whatever….
Saturday morning started it off relatively quietly…until Brittany got mad at Nonna for doing laundry and while yelling at her…saw Nonna taking some pills. When Britt asked what she was doing, Nonna promptly said “what…i just need to take my birth control pills…” Makes a lot of sense since she had been getting busy with Jesus. And…since we were all gearing up for a MARATHON church event.
Easter Vigil: A three hour Church Extravaganza which involves 7 Gospel Readings, 3 adult baptisms, 2 adult confirmations, and a bonfire. It also involves Nonna singing at the top of her lungs on every song, clapping, and admiring everyone around her. She also wore a purple suit. What a beauty.
7:00 am…I arise and find Nonna literally running around the house. She is talking about 90 words a minute about 30 different topics. I come to find out she has had Espresso this morning. I later came to find out she had AN ENTIRE COFFEE MUG of espresso in the morning. I am telling you, if there is one kind of Nonna I don’t wish upon you it is the Nonna who has consumed a significant quantity of espresso in a short amount of time.
Then came the food preparation: Pancakes, french toast, pasta, salad, ham, eggs, fruit, pie, cheesecake etc… while I was cooking with her, we had this conversation:
Nonna: I gonna tell you one thing…you gonna have a kitchen in your basement.
Me: Why would I have a kitchen in my basement.
Nonna: So you can cook downstairs and leave the mess and clean it later.
Me: That makes no sense…why would I have a kitchen that is for show?
Nonna: So people can think you are clean.
Me; Nonna, your kitchen is in your basement and we EAT in the basement. So you don’t even follow your own rules.
Nonna: If you dont have a kitchen in your basement I don come on your house.
Me: Well, that’s a shame.
Nonna: I mean it. You just need a stove and a sink.
Me: Nonna…you and I both know you need more than a stove and a sink to cook.
Nonna: You is never gonna be like me.
After brunch and a fabulous game of home run derby, we were all settled down when Nonna said to Chris
Nonna: You offended me…why you no eat today?
Brittany: Because he is manorexic.
Nonna: Tell me, what is the difference between anorexic and bulemia?
Brittany: Anorexia you don’t eat. But Bulemia you eat and then throw it up.
Nonna: Brittany, I don want you to do this, but I want you to be on a diet, okay.
(a little while later)
Nonna: My mouth is hurting…
(Nonna starts hysterically laughing)
Nonna: I just realized I don put in my teeth today. My partial no in my mouth.
(Nonna proceeds to hysterically laugh for approximately two minutes)
Now…its 9:00, and finally Nonna has settled down…
Nonna: Can I tell you, I have a headache…too much coff-ene.
Brittany: Can you imagine Nonna on aderall…The whole house would be reogranized, I mean she would have fire under her feet.
Nonna: When I was working, one time I had espresso and I was running around, zoom, zoom.
Brittany: She’s like a Mazda.
So very very true…