Nonna: Don get me wrong, you and you sister are beautiful. But the other day I lookin at Brittany and thinkin on myself…she is gorgeous. I thinkin she is the mos beautiful because she look like me.
I’m not going to lie to you all…I’m depressed. Not just because I have Jan Brady syndrome cause Nonna told me Britt is prettier than me (rude) but because Nonna is actually obsessed with Brittany…when Brittany comes home from break, my Nonna is so happy, she cannot contain herself. Not only does she do everything for Britt (as described below) all she does is talk about her… for example:
6am: (Which just adds insult to injury)
Nonna: Don you know, I thinkin your sister is an angel and a devil. But, I lovin her like you no believe. She is a beautiful person.
Nonna: You supposed to say “yes it is”
Me: Yes it is…?
Nonna: She gonna be somebody and she gonna go all over the world, I gonna cry every night she is gone but she gonna be somebody.
Now, I know I have already addressed this: Brittany is a crack head. Literally (well not literally…but you know what I mean). She is a senior in college, so pretty much she goes out, comes home, eats and sleeps while she is on break. Its a pretty sweet life. But, while she is with Nonna, she has no curfew – which blows my mind. Brittany can also make a mess without Nonna yelling at her about it – Nonna yells at me about Brittany’s mess. And, my grandmother will make her about a years supply of food before she goes back home. This kind of service is like nothing you have ever seen.
To make matters worse, Brittany keeps doing things for Nonna which make me look bad. For instance: Britt blew up a picture of my grandfather to an 8×10 sign. You would have thought Brittany resurrected him from the dead when she presented it to Nonna. (ok I know this was a nice gesture…but still). Brittany also keeps running errands for Nonna, which also makes me look bad (but hey I work late…).
These “gestures of kindness” apparently have huge return: Brittany can stay out literally late as she wants, sleep in as late as she wants, and pretty much say anything she wants without a peep from Nonna.
For example, after NYE – Brittany slept from 8:30pm – 10:30 am – FOURTEEN HOURS OF SLEEP. Nonna will just creep around her, making sure there is no noise in the house and it is completely dark. If I sleep past 7:15am on a Saturday Nonna is in the kitchen banging pots and pans until I get up. Then, when I wake up the first question about of her mouth is “are you going to the gym?” I mean, seriously…
Also, Brittany can make a flipping thanksgiving dinner in the kitchen and Nonna will clean up after her. In fact, if Brittany TRIES to do this, Nonna tells her to “rest.” Now, admittedly I had this luxury too — for about three weeks…but its just getting out of hand. What college student do you know needs so much rest she can’t put a dish in the sink – let alone wash it.
Finally, Nonna wants nothing more in life than Brittany to find a boyfriend. Not because my sister is looking for one – because she is honestly the most independent female I have ever met in my life and she thinks being in a relationship is “absurd” at this point in her life. No, Nonna wants Brittany to have a boyfriend because she thinks it will “calm my sister down.” My Nonna also says if she doesn’t start looking for a boyfriend she might not get married, which apparently is a sin to Nonna?? This is only ironic because Nonna tells me all the time that she wants me to wait five years before I get married (I’m 25…) and that I am not supposed to leave her…in fact, if you mention the idea of me getting married to Nonna, she cries. If you mention the idea of Brittany getting married she gets excited – until Brittany reminds her she won’t get married in a Church, to which Nonna responds “I no coming AT ALL.”
This brings me to a great pre-Christmas story: The Mistletoe…Before Christmas, B and Non were chatting about Christmas decorations when the conversation led to mistletoe:
Britt: I am gonna get mistletoe for my apartment?
Non: Che cosa fa mistletoe? (what is mistletoe)
Britt: You hang it from the ceiling, and if a boy and a girl are underneath it they have to kiss.
Non: Oh woulda be a good idea, I gonna buy it for here too so you have a boyfriend in school and he come visit you at home.
Now, this is funny for two reasons: 1) its absurd and 2) when my boyfriend (Chris the theology expert) comes to visit…Nonna will do everything possible to “supervise us.” Literally, she will sit behind us on the couch to make sure there is room for the holy ghost between us…
I’m pretty sure Nonna would applaud if Brittany got to second base in front of her….
So needless to say, I can’t wait for Britt to go back to college, I want to be “Number One Roommate” again. (Well, number 2 behind J.C.)