(You’re a vile one, Mr. Grinch…You have termites in your smile… You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile..)
Nonna is rude.
Today, I come home from work with all my work presents – which were very nice. And this is what transpired:
Nonna: Thank you for my gifts.
Me: They are my gifts.
Nonna: No, I thinkin you givin them to me because I deserve it.
Me: They are MINE.
Nonna: I gonna take this and put it with santa claus (she picks up a sled filled with chocolate). Next year we put it over here.
Me: Nonna, I am taking that sled with me when I leave.
Nonna: You leavin me?
Nonna: I gonna follow you.
Me: No you’re not.
Nonna: Yes it is. I gonna follow you and bring the sled with me.
Me: You should ride in the sled.
Nonna: Its a good idea. I gonna take this sled and put it with all the things you give on me.
Me: Like what?
Nonna: You degree, you awards, you license.
Me: My license?
Nonna: You throw away you license so I save on it.
Me: My expired license?
Nonna: I earned it.
Me: You are CRAZY.
Nonna: You is crazy. And I keepin this sled.
Aunt Mary: Your grandmom drive you nuts huh?
Aunt Mary: You come livin with me down the shore. I won take you sled.
Me: Thank you Aunt Mary.
Nonna: You go live with you Aunt and you never find you degree as long as you live. Right now they hide-in you won find it even if i die right now.
Nonna: I earned the degree.
Me: Uh…no you didn’t.
Nonna: Yes it is. Its mine. I watchin you and prayin for you.
Me: This is rediculous.
Nonna: Go to hell. You and you aunt.
Aunt Mary: Me?
Nonna: Yes. Everybody go to hell.
(…Given the choice between the two of you, I’d take the uh… seasick crocodile.)