I blame the entire day’s events on my friend Ann.
This morning, during coffee, the subject turned to bachelorette parties. I took this opportunity to express my distaste for “penis” shaped party favors. Ann jokingly (I hope) informed me that she would be getting penis shaped pasta for me for my future bachelorette party. Nonna naturally was quite amused by this topic. Then, Ann took me back to my middle schools years when she referenced the “penis” game. (If you don’t know what the penis game is…its when you you and another 13-17 year old person alternate saying the word penis at increasing decibels – whoeever says it the loudest and thereby embarasses the other person wins). Nonna asked what the penis game was, so Ann and I played a modest game. We obviously got Nonna to try it out. Which was obviously hilarious.
Then Nonna became serious: “You think your sister playin this game? I don think so…you sister don like these things.”
Me: (My 17 year old sister obviously plays these games) Oh, I’m sure she jokes around.
Nonna: No is not. She don seem like that kind of person.
I thought that conversation ended there…but later in the day, Nonna brought it up again:
Nonna: That penis game is funny. You playin when you was younger?
Nonna: I gonna tell you, the thing is just one, its not a nice game.
Me: I know.
Nonna: You knowin but you play anyway?
Nonna: I don think you were that kind of em person.
Me: I was. I still am.
Nonna: Your sister not.
Me: Yes she is.
Nonna: NO SHE IS NOT. SHE IS A BEAUTIFUL PERSON AND SHE NO SAYING WORDS LIKE THIS.
Me: She’s seventeen.
Nonna: So…just because you were shitty at seventeen don mean she is too.
(a couple hours later, I am on the phone with my other sister; she is on speaker phone so Nonna can listen)
Me: Britt, Non played the penis game today.
Britt: (laugher) you should ask Nonna to join the pen 15 club.
Me: Excellent idea. Nonna, do you want to join the pen 15 club?
Nonna: H-ok what it is?
Me: Give me your hand (proceed to write pen15 on Nonna’s hand)
Nonna: Pen…is? Penis and vagina?
Me and Brittany: (die of laughter).
Nonna: I belong to the penis club?
Nonna: It better than the senior citizen. At least the penis club doin something.
Nonna: You know…(makes lewd sexual gesture with her hand).
Me: oh. my. God.
Nonna: (laughing hysterically) you makin me join. So this is what i doin.
(a little while later)
Nonna: I gonna tell you. You cousin Tiger Woods is a baster.
Me: My cousin?
Nonna: Yes, I callin him your cousin because he is a cheater.
Me: What is that supposed to mean?
Nonna: All this rockemroll with his penis, so he is your cousin.
Nonna: I thinkin if you cheaten your penis should rot off. Rot off so they can’t even pee.
Me: Good idea. What about women?
Nonna: Her vagina rot off. Go to hell vagina.
As you can see…it was pretty much just another day in this house…