Day 104: Nonna as Rae Ray

Nonna has a new habit of cooking food and then saying…”in one half-a hour I makin the most delicious dinner”

I said, “who are you…rachel ray?

Nonna: Who is rachel ray?

Me: The annoying woman (no offense ray ray..i liked you until I discovered you repeat recipes in your cookbooks) on at 10am.

Nonna: Oh she is stooopid.

Me: I know, but she became famous for making dinner in thirty minutes.

Nonna: So? Wha is the big deal? She special for cooking dinner? If they let me on tv I show them everything.

This reminded me of a conversation Nonna and I had a few weeks ago…

Me: Non, What would you teach on your show if you had one?

Nonna: I teachin chicken parmesean, meat-a-balls, pasta with peas, braciole, sausage and peppers, pizza, stromboli, cookies, pizzelle…everything I know I teachin everyone.

It is a cute image picturing Nonna on tv…and I feel that she would be a hit…until she makes something like this:

What is that you ask?  Nonna’s version of a “casserole”

(No seriously)

I came home yesterday to Nonna excitedly telling me she “makin me on casserole for dinner.”  I was excited…”a casserole? I don’t think you ever made me a casserole before.”

I sit down to dinner and nonna pulled the above out and I looked at the pan and thought to myself…what. the. f*ck.

Me: Non, this is not a casserole.  A casserole is like…all chopped up.  This looks like baked chicken, string beans and chedder cheese.

Non: Yes it is…a casserole.

Me: No its not.

Non: How you makin a casserole?

Me: Non, how can you make a casserole and not even know what one is.

Non: I make it up.

Me: Non, you cant just make up a recipe and call it a casserole…

Non: I can do whatever I want…

(of course she can)

Non:  So how you makin a casserole.

Me: I will get you a recipe.

Non: I don need your shitty recipe. You eatin my casserole. It is delicious.

Me: Ok.

(it was pretty good…)

After dinner, I noticed above the toaster over the following:

Me: Non, why do you have the top of a pineapple in a bowl?

Non: Its so beautiful, it is decoration.

Me: Please tell me you are not keeping the top of a pineapple as “decoration.”

Non: Yes it is, why I gonna throw out beautiful things.

Me: Because it is a BUNCH OF LEAVES.

Non: Screw you. Screw on you. Wha you want…roses?

Me: No I want you to put trash where it belongs.

Non: In your room. You shitty thing.

Note/Warning: Thanksgiving is upon us…which means, the return of the middle sister.  My middle sister, Brittany, is my younger, crasser, funnier and altogether cooler counterpart.  I am contemplating allowing her blog about living with Nonna for a few days.  Nonna has agreed to make Britt a sign to welcome her home, these are the phrases she is considering:

“Welcome Home and thank you for being here.”

“Welcome Home and Congratulations for Being Drunk”

“Welcome Home, I am proud when you come home.”

“Welcome Home, I don know what you do but I love on you”

Stay tuned 😉

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One thought on “Day 104: Nonna as Rae Ray

  1. Jess says:

    I vote for sign #2…although sign #4 is sweet 🙂

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