Day 62: Base-a-ball


Today I need some visual assistance.  The other day, Nonna announced she “learned something new.”  She then places her hand to her crotch and starts making gestures (see above).  Absolutely no one at the table knew what she was talking about or doing…I asked her what did she learn…this is what we got:

Nonna:  Today I watchin base-a-ball. I see the person who catch the ball make do in like this (insert gestures).  I say, whas he doin?  I have no idea.

We then proceeded to attempt to explain to Nonna why the catcher makes signals to the pitcher…etc…etc…and she is hysterically laughing – none of us know why.  We move on to other topics and think the conversation is dead…until later that evening Nonna and I had the following conversation:

Nonna (standing across from me making catcher signals): Look at me.

Me: What are you doing?

Nonna: I makin like the person who catch the balls.

Me: Oh…

Nonna: Tell me the thing is just one.  He tellin the other men he has a big one?

Me: A big what?

Nonna: You know…(insert phallic gesture here)

Me: Oh. My. God. Why is everything about that to you?

Nonna: (hysterically laughing to the point she starts crying) The things is just one, I havin no idea what he doing. So I thinkin he telling everyone he has a big one.

Me: That’s exactly what he is doing.  Obviously the person with the biggest penis is the catcher.

Nonna: I knew it.

This brings me to another little baseball vignette which I have been waiting to tell everyone…

Nonna is obsessed with my boyfriend.  I mean, absolutely obsessed with him.  She tells me on a regular basis that I am not good enough for him and that one day he is going to break up with me because I am a bitch and he will be welcome over my house and I will not be.  Awesome.  Well, since becoming obsessed with him, my grandmother religiously follows every sports team he watches.  So she now is the world’s biggest yankees fan.  During the playoffs last year, my boyfriend bought Nonna a Derek Jeter jersey, because that the only player she knows on the team.  One day, she put on the shirt and before putting on her pants, Derek Jeter hit a home run.  So, Nonna, being the most superstitious woman of all time, wears the jersey and no pants for the rest of the game.  I get the following phone call:

Nonna: The Yankees won.

Me: I know.

Nonna: You boyfriend he happy?

Me: Of course.

Nonna: I no wear pants.

Me: Excuse me??!

Nonna: I no wear pants for the yankee cause they winnin.

Me: What do you mean you aren’t wearing pants.

Nonna: I no wear pants until they lose.

So, for the rest of the playoffs, Nonna wore a yankee jersey and no pants during every yankee game.  Thank God she hasn’t started that tradition again…

Happy Postseaon! *Go Phils!*


One thought on “Day 62: Base-a-ball

  1. Mr. Sifter says:

    I don’t have much experience with exorcisms, but Gov. Bobby Jindal can help you out.

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