Hello everyone – sorry my blog postings are becoming more infrequent…apparently the real world sucks up all my free time! In an effort to make it up to all 10 of you I am going to tell you a series of excellent nonna stories…beginning with this:
Nonna: My meatballs are better than sex.
Yesterday, Nonna made me an excellent meatball sandwich. During the course of dinner, Nonna kept exclaiming how delicious the sandwich was. And, honestly, it was awesome. However, it did not necessarily warrant a comment every other bite about how delicious it was. So, I turned to her and said (naturally) “what is your problem.” Nonna turned to me and said…”Honey, don you know…my meatballs they is better than sex.” I literally choked. “Excuse me?!” Nonna: You gonna agree with me one day. Sex is ok…but my meatballs they is number one.
Nonna the masseuse.
Ok, admittedly I got all of like 8 hours of sleep this week because the work load has been a little rough. So Nonna, my faithful companion, made sure that I was being well taken care of…which included many backrubs. Now, one time, while she was rubbing my back this week, shes says “Honey, you is very stressed. I gonna get some oil so is easy to rubbin.” I thought to myself…nice! this is the life! Until i turned around and saw she was preparing to rub me down with CORN OIL.
So I looked at her and said “what do you think you are doing?!”
Nonna: puttin oil on you to make you feel better.
Me: Do I look like a turkey!?
Nonna: This is what we do in Italy.
Me: Well in America we use corn oil for cooking…
Nonna: Go to hell. (then she pours the corn oil on my back.)
Note to my readers: Do not use corn oil to rub your friends and significant others. Unless your friend is a piece of chicken you are about to put on a frying pan.
The Saints Bracelet
Nonna has this saints bracelet she wears all the time. It’s pretty much her favorite thing that she owns. So this week, she comes over to me and begins to sprinkle holy water all over me and then begins to sing “hallelujah” over and over again….and then places in my hand the saints bracelet. She then begins to cry. “You gonna wear this, It’s beautiful.” I said, ok. So i put the bracelet on…and coincidentaly enough, I had a good day at work the next day. When I attempted to give her back the bracelet she began to yell at me and say “ITS A MIRACLE! ITS A MIRACLE! You gonna wear for the (pause) rest (pause) of your life.” So, said bracelet is staying put. Hope it matches my wedding dress.
Nonna: No one is like me.
When most people do a good deed, they do it, and then forget about it. Not Nonna. Nonna does a good deed, tells me, and waits for me to praise her. If I do not…ten minutes later she turns to me and says, why you no recognize I am a good person? This inevitably leads to me telling her she is a wonderful human being and I will be lucky to be one eighth of the person she is. Except this week…I was not in the mood. So Nonna made a ton of food for a sick family member, finishes, sits down and says…”I am the number one person. No one is like me. I made soup and cookies for other people.” I said: that was very nice of you nonna. This, for some reason upset her….”NICE?! That’s all you say to me…NICE. No its beautiful what I do. I goin to heaven.” I said, alright. Ten minutes later she starts yelling again. So finally I said, “Do you think God wants you to brag about your good deeds?” Nonna said: Yes it is. I tellin you so you do nice things to people.
She literally has an answer for everything.
Last but not least:
I asked Nonna if I take advantage of her, her answer: Yes.
That’s it…no further explanation, just “yes.” So, if anyone has an suggestions on how to take less advantage of a woman who refuses to let me do anything…send them my way.
Hopefully the work load will be a bit lighter this week so I can keep entertaining. We’re nearing 50 days…