Day 25: Nonna, Dead People and Virgins.

I must begin this story by announcing that my uncle is a funeral director (insert bad italian joke here).

Today, Nonna had to do me a favor and drop my passport off with my stepmom at work.  My stepmom works at a funeral home (insert second bad italian joke).  So this is what transpired today (told of course in Nonna’s words):

Nonna: “So, I gonna tell you something. Today, when I go to your passaport, I was a confused.  I go there and see the funeral deerector and he hug em and kiss me because they know me cause of your uncle.  I kisss em and he say “why you here” and I tell him to see Terri.  So he looka confused and I said, I gonna see Terri.  So he start to take me away.  And then he go try and take me to the dead bodies.  He say, who you here to see again? And I said “TERRRI, Joey’s wife.”  And he say, Oh Terri…I sorry, I thought you wanted to see the dead body.  I think to myself, they thinkin I  importante and I get to see the dead body and pay my respects whenever I want.  All this rock em roll for your pass port.”

Me: So, let me get this straight…you asked to see Terri, and they didn’t think you were going to see your daughter in law who works there? They were taking you to see a dead body who happened to be named Terri?

Nonna: Looka like.  I think ees because I know Jesus.

Me: Why is everything about you knowing Jesus.

Nonna: Because I shoulda be a nurse or a nun.

Me: What?

Nonna: I no supposed to be this…I supposed to be a nurse or a nun.

Me: So why didn’t you do that?

Nonna: Because I gonna come on this country.

Me: So why couldn’t you be a nun when you got here?

Nonna: Because I hav-a sex.  Now, no more. I gonna tell God to make me saint because I am a virgin again.

This brings me to my next point…(WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT) Nonna’s alleged re-virginization.

My grandfather died at a very young age.  Being a true Italian Catholic, Nonna wore black for 12 years and has never so much as looked at another man (though she will tell you she got many offers for marriage after my grandfather’s death).  So, now, at the age of 74, Nonna believes she is a virgin again.  She tells everyone: doctors, my friends, strangers…that she’s a virgin again.  One time, she told this nurse over the phone all about her revirginization and had the woman laughing so hard that when Nonna came in for her doctor’s appointment, the woman found her and said “are you the virgin?”  Nonna said she just raised her hand.

That being said, Nonna thinks that this is her ticket to canonization.  She constantly says that since she “closed up” when my grandfather died (gross…), she deserves to be a saint because no sex is like being a virgin.  So, when I asked her if it was ok to have sex once now and then not again until I’m married and still be considered a virgin, she told me:  “You a slut.” Then she went over to the Virgin Mary and said a prayer for me.

So, in case anyone was wondering…according to Nonna, if you don’t have sex for thirty plus years…you are considered a virgin again.  In Nonna’s words “It no bother me…it looka like I am a young lady again.”


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