Day 20: Nonna the mean girl.

Yesterday Nonna told me: “To me, it looka like you need more God in you life.”

So today, we went to Church together.

Hilarious moment of the Church experience #1: I walk out of my room to discover that Nonna and I are both wearing polka dot outfits.  I immediately turn to go and change but I am stopped by Nonna pleading with me: “No don change, you look so cute…we matcha.”  So I kept the outfit – why not!

HMCE #2: At 11:45, Nonna was ready to go to Church – which starts at 12:30.  My Church is literally a block away from my house. LITERALLY.  So I asked her why we were leaving so early; her response: “You gonna meet my friends.” So we go outside and Nonna informs me that I am going to drive her in my car.  I ask her why we can’t walk.  Her response: “Because I look so beautiful.”

HMCE #3: Thirty seconds later we arrive at the Church parking lot.  I go to park in a random parking spot when Nonna suddenly starts screaming at me: “NO! YOU NO PARK THERE! YOU PARK IN MY SPOT! I PARK THERE EVERY WEEK!”  I look at her like the crazy woman she is.  Then nice as pie she says: “Honey, you grandmother she hold. You park in that spot for me.”  My Nonna could kick Shaq’s ass…so this “im hold lady” stuff doesn’t fly with me.  Nonetheless…I park in her spot…or next to it.  Someone already parked in her spot.  So she did what any good Catholic would do: she spit at the car.

HMCE #4: We sit down and I meet all of her “hold lady friends.”  Everyone is very nice and already knows my life story.  For the thirty minutes before Church Nonna is literally waving at someone or talking to someone every five seconds.  And then she always turns to me and tells me their life story immediately after.  She also gives the most hilarious looks at unattractive parishoners and then turns to me and whispers “Hagly…”

HMCE #5: As soon as the singer began to sing her prayer Nonna turns to me and mutters “Awful…” I look at her and could not even believe that came out of her mouth.  She starts laughing at me.  And then…SHE starts singing.  Now Nonna is a lot of things…but a singer she is not.  And not only does she sing incredibly bad…she sings incredibly loud.  I have definitely been to Church with Nonna before and I’ve always heard her sing…but NEVER this loudly or this horribly.  I now know what its like to know the person who everyone makes fun of during mass. What a cutie…

As soon as we get back from Mass, Nonna starts gossiping like you would not believe.  Now that she thinks I know who everyone is…she is telling me every horrible thing that she does.  She even talks about the nuns.  But the best was this story:  Nonna goes to mass every day.  Everyday she puts on a dress and a little lipstick and some heels and heads to Church.  She hates when people don’t do the same. So one day this woman (who Nonna described as: “haagly…she wear sneeeeeakers and the baggy pants”) comes up and asks her why she gets so dressed up everyday.  Nonna said: “Gimme a question…When you go to your friends house, you dress up and look nice?” (I would have warned the woman to run away at this point).  The woman responds affirmatively and then Nonna says: “Tha’s wha I do…I go visit my friend Jesus.”

Gotta love her.

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