If it’s one thing Nonna can do well it’s gossip. I swear she keeps friends she hates (majority of them…see below) just because she gets good information. Nonna is the Perez Hilton of the New Jersey Sicilians. Nonna likes gossip about anyone and everyone…especially people I went to high school with.
Nonna has a better memory than I do of people I went to high school with (or elementary school for that matter). She constantly asks me how so and so is doing…and I constantly remind her that I haven’t spoken to them since high school. In her mind, this means that I don’t remember who she is talking about. So she starts giving descriptions or making impressions of people in an attempt to remind me. When I remind her that I do know who she is talking about and that I still haven’t spoken to them since high school she gets incredibly frustrated. “What..you no have he-mail?” No, Nonna…I do not have their email…nor do I care to find it. Ironically…she rarely asks about my ACTUAL friends from high school. When I called her out on this today she told me that she doesn’t need to ask because she knows “what they do.” (Note: Anyone reading this who I went to high school can email me to ask who she asks about…its seriously so hilarious.)
What’s better yet is when Nonna decides to talk about celebrities like I know them on a first name basis. Today she asked me why Jessica broke up with her boyfriend. I literally had no idea who she was talking about. So when I asked her who Jessica was she told me the one with the football boyfriend. After a few moments of silence she said “C’mon….on TV!” Then it all clicked: Jessica Simpson. I informed her that they broke up and I don’t know why. Then she tells me: “I heard-a she still love her husband. Her heart still belong to the first one.” Asking her where she heard this she told me on TV. Now I am convinced that Nonna watches TMZ during the day. If I ever catch her I will be sure to let you know.
Side Note: It’s getting to be football season and Nonna roots for my team (and the only team anyone should root for): The Eagles. Today she asked me how my friend “McNugget” was doing. And she barks at the TV when she sees Michael Vick. I need a hidden camera for this.
All this talk of gossip leads me to my next topic: Nonna’s friends.
She hates them. Literally all of them. Unless you are in her immediate family, she probably hates you too (no offense). It is HILARIOUS. Her friends come over, she laughs with them…and then the second they leave she immediately talks about how much she can’t stand them. What is better yet is if YOU try and talk bad about them…she turns on you and suddenly loves them again. It is like nothing I have ever seen. Here is an example, based on a conversation we had today.
Nonna: And then she said to me…I weigh 140 lbs, I look pretty good. I look at her and think…”whaaaah? hundred forty? And then i look at the fat on her back and say, no way she weigh less than me. Liaaaaaar.
Me: (literally falling on the floor laughing): Well she is kinda big I guess.
Nonna: That’s not nice.
Me: Oh come on…you said it first. But whatever, she looks really young for her age.
Nonna: She no look better than me…
Me: Ohh of course not.
So I apologize if you don’t want to hang out with Nonna after this. But, at least she’s hilarious when she talks about you 😉