At least once each day Nonna makes a comment along the lines of: “you like-a my ass-0” or “i’m beautiful” or she rubs the sides of her body to accentuate her italian curves. I mean, don’t get me wrong – Nonna looks like she is thirty years younger than she is, but sometimes her repetitions of “im beautiful, i’m beautiful” get a little redundant.
When Nonna retired from her job a year and a half ago, she took up walking with the “senior citizen” (Note: the singular of citizen”). She would give us daily reports about her walks to “California,” “Mexico,” “Florida,” “the Grand Canyon” (which we later found out were the milage equivalents of those distances) and would tell us about her clothes getting bigger and bigger and her ever shrinking wasteline. Each time she went to the doctor she would record her weight on the calandar and would announce to everyone how much weight she lost. Like good children – we cheered Nonna on.
Now, everytime Nonna sees a weight loss commercial she yells at the screen: “You no need this shitty thing.” When anyone tries to explain why people find these things effective, it starts her off on a rampage. It usually goes something like this: “You eat-a three meals a day. That’s it. No more. I eat the same thing everyday. Hoatmeal or heggs, a sangwhich, and dinner. Thass it. No more. People can pay me for this. I lose it. And I weigh one-hundred and fifty three pounds. And I stay it.” Then…comes the best part: “I no skinny skinny…but I look good. I don’t like skinny grandmothers” (now she pulls on her skin underneath her chin) “Its not nice when you don’t have this.”
Since the “big weight loss” everytime Nonna goes to the doctor she feels the need to announce that her weight is the same. This would be fine…except she makes this announcement to everyone she sees. If you are eating dinner at her house every night (like I do) you end up hearing her weight announcement 5-7 times.
Now today, my sister came over and used my scale. Nonna told her that my scale doesn’t work, so my sister should use hers. I responded by saying that my scale worked fine and what was she talking about. I brought down my digital scale, stepped on and showed her that it worked. “Oh….” says Nonna “I no know you needed to turn it on…” (what a cutie…) Nonna then decided that she needed to demonstrate that she still weight “one hundred and fifty three pounds.” So she weighed herself on my scale and then says “See, I told you! One-Five-Three.” Good job Non.
Later on today, Nonna decided to tell me she thinks I am too skinny. Now I am a lot of things…but too skinny is not one of them. I would actually go ahead and venture that anyone living with Nonna cannot be too skinny. I told her to stop it and leave me alone. Then she came up to me and put her hands on my head and say “you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful…” and then walked away laughing. I sit here wondering: is she laughing at herself? or is she calling me ugly?
If anyone is interested in joining Nonna’s weight loss plan let me know.
Note: Nonna now no longer walks with the senior citizen. She thinks they are stupid and she does not want to do anything that makes her feel “hold.” So now she walks around her backyard saying her rosary because she knows how many decades of rosary a mile is.