Over the years, Nonna has been a consistent soap opera viewer. And by consistent I mean devout and intense love for all the drama found on ABC between 1 and 4pm. When Nonna first came to this country, it was General Hospital that taught her English. Before VCRs, she made my dad watch All My Children and then forced him to rehash the plot in detail over dinner. Until two weeks ago there was a Susan Lucci Barbie doll in my now bedroom. Up until today, I thought Pine Valley provided enough drama for the woman.
But apparently cheating wives do it better in Spanish.
This evening, I sat down at about 8pm with a bowl of ice cream, ready to watch Regis return to Millionaire. When all of a sudden Nonna turns on her second TV (yes, she has two TVs within five feet of each other) to the Spanish channel. Noticing my confusion, she tells me that the “stories” are “so nice.” She then starts into the plot: how there are two sisters and one lady is so evil she likes to kill birds. I politely listen as she explains to me about a terrible car accident involving two young lovers on the show.
Then suddenly, like Regan in the Exorcist, she turns to me and tells me that I should not kiss my boyfriend when we are driving and that we should “save kissing for the closet. Now, being completely blindsided by this turn of events, I hesitantly reassure her that I do not make out with my boyfriend while he drives. Not satisfied by this answer, she starts to yell at me and inform me that many people, not just on the show, are injured or killed by tractor trailers because they are kissing their boyfriends. She then gets up, shuts off Regis and tells me she cannot concentrate on her story. Taking the hint…I went upstairs.
Now let me clarify one thing: Nonna does not speak Spanish. Therefore, Monday – Friday between 8 and 10pm, the house is now filled with spanish speaking characters drowned out only by my Nonna translating random Spanish words into Italian.
Why did I even take a language in college?