The Papal Update

As noted in yesterday’s blog post, Nonna went off the radar for a few hours.  When I finally got in touch with her at 6:15pm she was in a state of exhaustion.

Nonna: Honey, you have no idea how many people call an congratulate on me?

Me: Congratulate you for what?

Nonna: You smart but you stupid, Papa Francesco!

Me: Why are they congratulating you for the Pope?

Nonna: It looka like I marry him.

Me: What. Are. You. Talking. About.

Nonna: People call on me to say how beautiful it is we have a Pope and they say congratulation because he is Italian.

Me: Oh, I didn’t realize you were New Jersey’s spokesperson for the Vatican.

Nonna: Yes it is.  I deserve.  Do you know how good lookin he is? I deserve to lookin at him for the rest on my life.

Me: Of course.

Nonna: But I don’t like one thing.  Why the Pope no have a number?  Benedict was the sixteenth, Giovanni Paolo was the secondo. Why he just FRANCIS.  I like Papa Francesco Numero One.

Me: I think its because he’s the “first” so you typically don’t call someone the first until theres a second – like you didn’t call Uncle Frank “Big Frank” until there was Frankie. 

Nonna: This is a different. Its like respect.

Me: Well why don’t you call him the First.

Nonna: I call him from now on Papa Francesco il Primo!

Me: Beautiful.

Nonna: When I watch all these things I becoming so educated. I know how many cardinals they are, how many votes the Papa needs to win and all this other stuff. 

Me: That’s great.

Nonna: But I want to know if the Papa has a family. 

Me: I’m sure he does…

Nonna: I gonna get a book about him.  Hey, can you go on the computer and answer my questions, I don want to look stoooopid at my alter rosario meeting.

Me: I’ll print you out the wikipedia on it.

Nonna: Wiki wiki what?

Me: Its like an online enyclopedia.

Nonna: I don have no idea what that means but if its a book I will read it because I can speak english.

Me: I can probably get one in italian.

Nonna: Better yet. Because he is Jesuit they better write very nice.  Because the Pope knows what they say. 

Me: You are so strange.

Nonna: Honey, I just so excited because this is the first time on my life I watch EVERYTHING. Last times they no have on TV or I was working.  This is the most beautiful thing I can watch on my life. I think this Papa is so beautiful.  I just really love him I can’t even explain.

Me: I’m sure he loves you too.

Nonna: Easter is going to be so beautiful.

Me: It sure is….

This leads me to my next announcement: Nonna has decided that it is my turn to host a holiday.  Accordingly, this year’s Easter celebration will be at my house.  After telling Brittany I was thinking about hosting, Brittany mentioned it to my Nonna who in turn called me up and accused me of speaking behind her back.  She then told me it was time I be a real lady, get up in the morning, get dressed, put on the nice apron and….make a ham. 

Yes, friends, I am making my first ham. 

Now, I thought with hosting a holiday, I would obtain autonomy over the menu.  Not so, Nonna told me she is making sausage, meatballs and pasta and artichokes and then told me all the things I need to tell OTHER people to bring and the food I need to make. 

When I told her I would think about it….she said “I don mean to offend on you, but you need to do things my way, the right way.” 

I mean, the woman has been hosting fab gatherings for years, so I guess tradition should lead the way…but, Britt and I have a few tricks up our sleeves to make this Easter distinctly our own…

Abbiamo Papa!

So many of you have reached out to me regarding Nonna’s thoughts recent abdication of Pope Benedict, the conclave and yes, Nonna’s opinions on the various papal candidates.  Her comments have been nothing short of epically hilarious….and her viewing of the conclave equally so – particularly as she basically viewed it as a sporting event – cheering, speculating and, ultimately, crying because our newest pope is of Italian descent.  While the conversations could be a blog post in an of itself.  The events of this afternoon, have trumped them all. 

The second the white smoke sprung from the chimmney, Brittany and I were on the phone.  Brittany naturally beat me to the punch:

Brittany: Hi, Nonna!

Nonna: Hey, a new Pope is a here! A new Papa is a here! I gotta go.

Brittany: Are you hanging up on me?

Nonna: Yes. [hangs up].

My first conversation with her lasted a full minute thirty:

Me: Hey, are you watching tv?

Nonna:  Honey, I watchin tv wait for this all day and night. Day and night. Day and night. My papa is comin home!

Me: Who do you think it is?

Nonna: I hope its an Italian papa.  We no have an Italian Papa in three popes.  Its a time the Pope speak Italian. I think its Cardinal Scola.

Me: Ok, well I hope you get your wish.

Nonna: So beautiful.  You want to come over my house and watch?

Me: No, I’m working and I can watch on my computer.

Nonna: Ok I need to watch the people – so beautiful, so many people!

As I’m sure you all know, the Cardinal Jorge Bergogolio is the chosen pontiff.  No sooner than he appeared on the balcony of St. Peter’s did I get my second phone call.

Me: We have a Pope!

Nonna: Oh my God he’s so good lookin.

Me: Um, what!

Nonna: He’s so good looking. I can say.

Me: He’s not available.

Nonna: Neither am I.

Me: What do you think? He’s Italian but from Argentina.

Nonna: I am so happy you have no idea. He’s italian number one ma (but) for the poor people in this world.

Me: Because he’s from Argentina?

Nonna: Yes, so many poor people there I think (I guess she missed the memo on Buenos Aires)

Me: Well, I’m glad you are happy.

Nonna: He is a Jesuit.

Me: Oh nice.

Nonna: You and you sister go to Jesuit people (our college was Jesuit).

Me: Yup! They are priests who are very interested in education.

Nonna: Oh mah God, thats so beautiful. He gonna speakin so nice.

[meanwhile the Pope appears]

Nonna: ABBIAMO PAPA! ABBIAMO PAPA! He look so beautiful. Whats his name. Oh, Its FRANCIS. I gotta go call you sister. [hangs up]

Now, my sister carries what she believes to be an embarassing secret.  Her middle name is Frances (hence the Non’s excitement).  She often conceals this fact from people, but, in the spirit of journalism – she is coming clean. 

Meanwhile, Non’s conversation with Brittany goes as follows: 

Nonna: Honey, Congratulations! He choose your name, I gonna call you Francis from now on.

Brittany: It’s a different Francis, my middle name is spelled with “e”

Nonna: Well your parents screwin up but now you are famous.  He pickin his name after you because he is poor like you and livin in a small apartment like you.

Brittany: Um. Ok.

Nonna: Ok, I gotta go call you Uncle Frank. [hangs up]

Nonna apparently did not get in touch with Uncle Frank, as she called me back for a third time

Nonna: I call your sister, this is a good sign for her.

Me: What?

Nonna: Because her name is a Francis but you parents spellin her name wrong but I think this is beautiful and la Papa gonna blessin her.

Me: That’s really nice.

Nonna: HONEY! I gotta go, you Uncle Frank call and I need to congratulate him. I call you later. HOKAY? [hangs up].

As neither Brittany nor myself have heard from her in twenty minutes, we now believe that Nonna has been on the phone with various people, possibly the press, looking for her opinion and/or commentary. 

I will continue to update you as events unfold.

 

The Local Travel Ban

{a post by B}

As many of you know, home for me is in NYC. One of the perks of living in a major city is that most everything is within walking distance. Since I really only go to the gym in case the Hunger Games actually happens, I try and take advantage of walking whenever I can.  Usually I use this time to catch up with friends and family, and yesterday was no different. Around 6pm I decided to give Nonna a call and see how her week went.

Nonna: You alive?

Me: Yup, walking home now.

Nonna: WHY YOU ALWAYS WALKIN PLACES??

Me: Because I can’t afford to take cabs everywhere? Are you going to start paying for them?

Nonna: No, I just no understand, it’s getting dark out, so how you stay safe?

Me: Nonna, I feel more safe walking anywhere in the city than I do walking from your house to Dad’s. (which is literally 4 houses away but on a dark, street-lightless street surrounded by woods)

Nonna: WHY YOU SAY THINGS LIKE THAT? My house is beautiful number 1. I getta so mad you thinkin I live somewhere not nice.

Me: Wait, what? No, I am just saying, there are always people around and cars, and stores, and lights. There is just enough movement for me to feel safe, because if anything happened there are so many other people around me.

Nonna: Ohhhh. I just don’t understand why you walkin everywhere.

Me: You’re weird. I am almost home anyways. What did you do this weekend?

Nonna: The same thing I do every day. Nothing. It’s cold outside; I don’t do anything when it’s like this. I go to chuch and then I comin home.

Conversation continued, and it came up that Kelly is coming to visit me this coming weekend, something both Kelly and I are excited for as Kelly doesn’t make it to NYC too often. While most would assume that sister bonding is something that family members would see as a really nice thing, Nonna thinks traveling to do anything is unnecessary.

Nonna: What you meanin your sister is coming to see you? Why she always doin things like this? Stop and go – stop and go. STAY! You two never just STAY.

Me: Um, what? I haven’t seen her in so long, I can’t even remember the last time I came home. Maybe I’ll come home in two weeks.

Nonna: No, you stay. You can come home for Easter. I thinkin that’s good enough.

I come to find out that immediately after speaking with me, she calls Kelly to yell at her for planning to travel the one hour from NJ to NYC this weekend. During this conversation she explains to Kelly that she doesn’t understand why we need to spend money to see eachother, when she sees her sister she makes a nice luncheon over her house and they sit down and talk nice.  They don’t need to go anywhere to “spendin time together”.  When Kelly reminded her that her sister needs to travel and hour to come see her, too, Nonna said “I’m sick and tired of you people.”  So ended the conversation.

As a side note, Nonna’s local travel limitation does not apply to international travels as she recently yelled at Kelly for not going to Spain this year to see the churches.  It also does not apply to traveling to NYC for purposes of seeing the Statue of Liberty.

 

Lenten Countdown

[a post from B]

This year I aggressively gave up alcohol for lent. While most would agree this is no easy feat for most 25 year old girls, Nonna thinks it is basically my cry for help to check myself into rehab [cue Nonna’s viewing of Lindsay Lohan stories on GMA]

After surviving my first weekend abstaining from alcohol, I made a mental countdown to the end of Lent. As most people would, I started subtracting the days from 40.  However, when I looked at the calendar I realized there are actually 46 days of lent. Panicked, I called Nonna to get some answers.

 Me: Why is Lent longer than 40 days this year? I didn’t sign up for that, this isn’t fair.

Nonna: Oh hello to you too… Butana.

Me: Hello. Please tell me why it’s 46 days.

Nonna: Are you sure? I knowin you no good at the mathematica, so I no think the church is wrong, I thinkin you is wrong. [cackle laughter]

Me: Nonna. I’ve counted several times. I need answers.

Nonna: I don’t hearin these things. And to tell you the truth, I never countin for God.

Me: Well maybe you should because I am not happy.

Nonna: YOU CAN STOPA THE SHITTY DRINKING FOR 6 MORE DAYS??? You disgust.

Me: No. Stop, of course I can –  I am just asking because I am curious. Can you ask your church friends tomorrow?

Nonna: No its not. They thinkin I crazy and no understand the church.

Me: Tell them I want to know.

Nonna: No. You go ask your priest.

Nonna: Honey. It’s a beautiful thing you givin up your shitty ways. I am so happy knowin you stayin home every night.

Me: Fine. I’ll sit home every night and do nothing.

Nonna: No usin the computer to find a nice Catholic husband. I thinka this thing a good idea.

Me: (Obviously ignoring her second attempt to try and have me join Christian Mingle) So, you still don’t know why Lent is 46 days?

Nonna: No. I tellin you I think you is crazy and bad at mathematica.

 Later, after considerable thought, Nonna informed me that she believes the Catholic Church doesn’t count Sundays in Lent.  While I originally thought she was nuts…it appears she really does know all there is to know about being Catholic – http://www.uscatholic.org/church/2008/07/if-lent-40-days-why-are-there-46-days-between-ash-wednesday-and-easter

…despite that information, and that she is onto the fact that I can barely count to ten, I am still not pleased with realizing Lent is 46 days. 

8 days down, 38 to go.

The Dowager Nonna

Recently, I’ve become slightly (ok , seriously) obsessed with Downton Abbey.  My obsession is so extreme that I often find myself speaking in a british accent, referring to my husband as “Lord” and waking up with the expectation that my Lady’s Maid will be bringing me breakfast and brushing my hair.  Notwithstanding my serious personal issues, I had the occasion to speak with Lady Maria about the show over lunch.  After I spent catching her up on three (but for tonights episode!) seaons, Nonna was enraptured.  So much so that she equated this British period piece to her telenovellas.

Nonna: Kelly, I gonna tell you this soundin like my telenovella I watch right now.  The man and the woman they get married and they have a baby and then the lady’s sister come and she is hagly women nella cuore (in her heart) and she lightin everyone on fire and all these people die and they cry all the time.  It is so terrible.

Me: I mean, the similarities are unreal,

Nonna: I know, you gonna watchin these telenovellas because they makin you so…how I say…(walks over to TV and puts her eyeballs to TV)

Me: Involved?

Nonna: Yes.  You want to stop but you no stop.

Me: I feel you.

Nonna: When is you show on?

Me: Sundays at 9 – this week is the last episode for this season.

Nonna: Oh that is perfect for me, there is NO-THING on tv on Sunday nights.  I no have nothing to watch since sister, brother sister cousin (laughs) however you say that show.

Me: Brothers and Sisters?

Nonna: Yes.  I no have nothing on tv after that, because everything is disgust. I no watch the bachelor anymore becausin these girls is crazy.  I can no take it anymore.  And all the other show on ABC are disgust sex and blood and sex all the time.

Me: Non, there are definitely more sex scenes on your telenovellas than on abc primetime.

Nonna: No, honey, on my telenovellas they romantica.  They makin love. The no sex and sex and then disgusting sex.  Its so beautiful on my show.

I’m sure it is, Non.  As I have convinced her to watch tonight’s season finale (and finally confirmed with her that “Dow-Tree Abrey” is on PBS at 9pm, not 8pm)  I will update you all with her thoughts.

For now, I bid you good night.

Tagged

Back to the Future.

We’re baaackkkkk!

After a year long hiatus, in the spirit of the Easter season approaching, we have decided this blog needs to be resurrected. (ha.)

Over the past few weeks we’ve realized that simply because neither of us lives with Nonna doesn’t mean she is less crazy. In fact, if anything, it is the opposite – with concentrated time, Non’s working a show during our visits. As it is selfish for us to keep these stories within the family, we are opening it back up to all you amazing followers that have loved and supported us Nonna from the very first post!

To catch you up on a year of hilarity – here are some highlights of what we intentionally deprived you of you missed (blog posts to come!):

1.Nonna is now the newest spokesperson for Christian Mingle.

2. Nonna does not believe that God understands Italian, which explains why she only curses in Italian. (As a side note, she did teach us the Sicilian “F-a you” gesture….which looks like Te-bowing – coincidence?)

3. Nonna believes winter is a time for hibernation, not socialization.  Accordingly, she does not believe that plans should be made in the winter. “Why you no save these shitty things for the summer”. (Note, this also apparently applies to going to the gym) (Further Note, the winter has not stopped her from making her own social plans or heading to church on the daily).

4. Nonna still loves Michael more than all of us.  For example, during a visit a few weeks back, Michael mentioned he missed her Jello chocolate pudding.  Nons has now stocked up as if it was being discontinued, and asks him if he wants some every time he is over. And its actually real, name-brand Jello….not dollar store kind.  #jealous.

5. Nonna has planned and paid for a 14 day European pilgrimage without telling ANYONE in our family.

6. Nonna has a new, updated list of “shitty people”. You might be on it.

7.  After I got sworn into the NY Bar (3 years after I passed the bar exam), Nonna came with me to watch me get sworn in.  Then insisted we get McDonalds after.  At a rest stop.

 8. Nonna pronouces Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn “Filbush Aveeeeenue.” It took us literally 5 full minutes to understand what it was shes was saying – but apparently she used to go there a lot after she got off the boat.
 

9.  Kelly has received one “you look beautiful” compliment on her work attire.  Its progress – not perfection, people.

 
10. Nonna still does not understand what Brittany does for a living.

 

Happy New You!

Nonna is not one for new years’ resolutions…she is one for telling others what their new year’s resolutions should be.  For example, after my freshman and sophomore year of college increased my weight to 30 lbs over what I was in high school…Nonna informed me my new year’s resolution should be to lose weight, in front of my entire family.  She has told my sisters that they should be nicer, be more peaceful and, of course, everyones’ resolutions should involve seeing Nonna more. 

Notwithstanding her propensity to direct others goals, one resounding New Year’s tradition is her wishing other people a “happy new you.”  While this is a cute play on her inability to pronounce english words correctly, I think, in a way, this sums up what my Nonna is about.  Undoubtedly, my grandmother has given us great laughter and many life lessons, but she has also taught all of us,  her grandchildren, children, and friends a like, about how to rediscover oneself, find strength and invent a new you when everything else is lost. 

You see, for as much joy as she has brought her friends and family, she has struggled – losing a mother and a husband very young, losing friends and family too soon along the way and seeing her children and grandchildren struggle through many life hardships.  Yet, through each tragedy she has found a way to reinvent herself and adjust her life to accommodate for the change.  When her mother died when she was 12, Nonna became the mother to her family.  When her husband died when Nonna was in her thirties, she became the sole breadwinner.  And when tragedy struck each time thereafter, Nonna reinvented family traditions, became an additional parent, friend, housekeeper and…as my aunt lovingly calls her, a wife to wives.  Each hopeless situation was a call to duty, a way to step to the plate and become a “New You.” While she attributes her strength in recreating herself and in moving forward to God, I think much of it (no disrespect to Jesus) has to do with her will to survive and thrive.  Where so many of us would be broken by tragedy, she moves forward, marking each event as another wrinkle in her life. My grandmother’s life is much like her hands: it is both smooth and deeply scarred, marked by hardwork, tenderness and covered in the purest love.  It is both beautiful and bitter…sassy and sweet. 

Friends, the time has come to move forward from this blog.  Life and distance makes sharing these stories more difficult in this medium.   I can only hope that you will continue to revisit this site when you need laughter, and hope that when you return you will see the lessons underlying her craziness, the joy that my grandmother gets from living and the love that underlies it all. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you for being faithful readers and friends.  I hope you all become “New You”s when life becomes challenging…and I hope you all simply remember Nonna’s number one life rule…laugh through it all.

Oh and…don’t take your pants down for no one.

 

 

The One Percent…

One of the great things about Nonna is her ability to remain current with current events. While she may not understand the breadth of the world’s many issues, she certainly appreciates enough to ensure her children and grandchildren aren’t engaging in certain newsworthy events.

As of late, she has grown increasingly interested in the antics of the 99%. So much so, that she updates me regularly about what is going on – as she thinks I work too much to watch the news…(little does she know – the AP has a twitter account…). She additionally has grown increasingly concerned that my sister Amanda Knox…I mean Brittany is joining that “unruly” percentile.

To perhaps better communicate this concern…I leave it to my sister:

In recent weeks, Nonna has come to understand (or so I thought) that I work kind of close to the Occupy Wall Street protests. Mind you, I do not work on Wall Street, I work a few subway stops away, but to her, she thinks I am standing in front of thousands of people leading them in a protest that makes absolutely no sense to me.

Anyways, after work I used my time walking to the subway to call my (ex) roomie just to see how she was doing. Walking in any city is loud, but I usually forget/ignore this and carry on my phone conversations in a yelling tone to ensure I am being heard on the other end.

Me: Hi Non
Nonna: Hi honeydew. Where are you?
Me: Walking home, why?
Nonna: YOU PROTESTA????
Me: What are you talking about?
Nonna: ITS SO LOUD, YOU PROTESTA??
Me: Yup. Just leaving for the day.
Nonna: Butana, DONT I RAISA YOU RIGHT???
Me: Apparently not.
Nonna: You quittin your job?
Me: Yup.
Nonna: I spit on your face when I see you.
Me: Shutup, I am obviously not protesting. What is wrong with you, first you think I’m Amanda Knox, now you think I’m some kind of activist. Make up your mind.
Nonna: NO I NEVER SAYA YOU AMANDA. I sayyyyy it could happen to you. Honey, let me aska you one ting. What is these stunads doing? What they want?
Me: I honestly have no idea.
Nonna: I no understand.
Me: I don’t either, but it is just making people my age look like they are uneducated, and don’t shower.
Nonna: Breenny, I never been so proud of you in all my life.
Me: Um. Thanks?

Apparently my only qualities are two fold. 1.I did not get convicted of murder, and 2. I am not involved in the Occupy Wall Street protests.

Accordingly, we consider Brittany’s life a success.

It should be noted that after Brittany hung up with Non…she called me. Only to inform me that my sister is a new woman and that she thought Brittany would be disgusting in the park, but now she is high class number one.

As nonna always told us…povera si…ma lorde, perche?

Translation: Poor Yes Dirty (Gross) Why?

Perhaps the 1% should start chanting this…

It’s a hard Knox life…

Monday. Early Evening… My office phone rings…

Me: Non? Is everything ok?

Nonna: GIUSTIZIA! GIUSTIZIA PER MIA NIPOTE.

(translation: Justice! Justice for my grandaughter!)

Me: What are you talking about? Is everything ok?

Nonna: My grandaughter Amanda is a free. They say she is innocente.

Me: Are you talking about Amanda Knox?

Nonna: Yes! I cryin and cryin all afternoon. My sister was here and we cry. Everybody cry. Amanda cry. Its a beautiful day.

Me: I mean…that’s great for her.

Nonna: Tell me one thing. Why they think she killin this girl.  It come on my mind that this girl no do anything wrong. I thinkin everyone want to say she is a nasty number one but I don think she is nasty. I no think she killin that girl.

Me: Well that is probably why they released her.

Nonna: For four years this girl WAAAAIT and WAIIT and WAAIT for someone to say Yes it is! You go home to America.

Me: Ok..well I’m at work.

Nonna: Hey. Avvocato (translation: lawyer). I talk to you about the law. Don you know something.

Me: What is the question?

Nonna: I asking you about why she no come home to America?

Me: When did you ask that? and What are you talking about?

Nonna: I sayin…Why she no come home to America now?

Me: I mean, they are probably trying to get her home now.

Nonna: Ok. But she no have no passporto…they sayin her passport no good.

Me: I am sure they will get her another passport.

Nonna: I think she go on Roma for that.

Me: Ok…well, we can talk about this later.

Nonna: I just gonna tell you one thing.  I doin a Novena for this girl, I pray and pray she come home.

Me: Why?

Nonna: Because this girl is like my granddaughter. It come on my mind that something like this would happen to your sister and she be stuck in jail in some country because they sayin she killin someone but I know she know kill anyone.

Me: Nonna…Brittany lives in America now.

Nonna: I know. But I thinkin about this and I pray and pray this don happen to her.

Me: Got it.

Nonna: Tell me. If people thinkin you sister killin someone then you can help her get out of jail?

Me: No. I’m not a criminal attorney.

Nonna: So what you degree good for?

Me: Nothing apparently.

Nonna: So why you waste all this money.

Me: I don’t know.

Nonna: Ok go do you work avvocato.

Me: Thanks.

Nonna: Giutizia! Giustizia!

And then I hung up the phone…

Virtual Insanity

Its no shocker that Nonna is not one for technology.  Just today, in fact, she left me a voice message on my phone stating the following:

“Hello this is you Nonna….Hello? I just call to hear your voice.  But I think I have the wrong number because I don know who this person is (note: my answering machine has my married name on it.) But if you want to see if I’m alive call me back.”

Needless to say, technology confuses the poor woman.

Despite the confusion, Nonna’s understanding of technology has expanded over the year.  Indeed, over the past few years of my sister’s world travels, Nonna has embraced technology in some regards. She’s learned to skype (sorta), she’s learned to use calling cards, and she’s learned to embrace that the “y-generation” is constantly connected to their phones.  Though she’s made great strides, Nonna still thinks that the internet is made by some devil spinning its web.

And until recently, our little Nonna did not realize her place in the cyber world…

My sister Brittany, who recently moved onto a spacious pad in the big city, had the occasion to speak with Nonna after viewing my wedding pictures.  What transpired can only be told by my sister herself…

Nonna: I looka at your sister’s wedding pictures. I look beautiful.

Me: Yeah I saw them too, and yes, you look great.

Nonna: I knowa which one I want for my tombstone, I tella your sister already.

Me: Oh, well, okay.

Nonna: Wait, how you look these pictures? You come home and no tell me? Butana.

Me: What? No I saw them online, like on the computer.

Nonna: How they get in there?

Me: I don’t know? She sent the website to everyone to look at.

Nonna: So anyone can look at these pictures because of the devil machine?

Me: Well, yeah. But it isn’t really a devils machine?

Nonna: Yes it is. I don’t want to be on the computer for everyone to see. Even though I look good I don’t want no one to see my picture. Except the tombstone one.

Me: You know we write about you on the internet? So everyone knows all the crazy things you do anyways.

Nonna: You don’t stopa with this shitty thing? Aunt Mary tellin me the other day that I talkin all about sex on the computer, but I thinkin she crazy. But she no crazy. You maka me look crazy.

Me: You are crazy.

Nonna: Taka me off. Now everyone see my face and see my smarts. No one ever gonna need to be around me because of the shitty computa. Actually okay keep me so it keeps all those butanas I don’t like away from me.

Me: Like your friends?

Nonna: I don’t need these people. I don’t need you or your sister either, get outa my face.

The conversation continued as I told her about my weekend, and she cut me off, going back to her life being exposed on the internet.

Nonna: I tella you one thing. I no talk about sex like my sister in law she say. I just sayin its good that your sister can have the sex without havin to live in sin no more. That’s all I say, I no tellin her how to do it, but if she askin me, I tell her. But youre a butana and you don’t listen to me no matta what I tellin you so I don’t care if you havin sex with everyone or no one. Or if you a lesby. I no care.

After Brittany got off the phone with her, she called me.

Nonna: Hey. How come you tellin you Aunt Mary I talk about sex with you?

Me: What are you talking about?

Nonna: Everyone say I talkin about sex and tellin you what I doin. I no have sex for thirty-five years.

Me: Tough life.

Nonna: I tellin you.  I tell you one thing. You married so sex is legal.

Me: I didn’t realize it was illegal.

Nonna: (large gasp) DON YOU KNOW ITS ILLEGAL TIL YOU GET ON MARRIED.  EVERYBODY A VIRGIN. (Spits).

Me: I’m kidding.

Nonna: Good. Because next time I see you I gonna breakin you face.

Me: (hysterical laughter).

Nonna: The message is just one: Don have sex until it is legal and you married. And don have no babies for at least 3 year. Then move on my house and I watch the baby.  Just one. No more baby after one cause I can’t watch it no more. And babies are expense.

Me: Ok. You got it.

Nonna: Now I need to go pray God don punish you for being no virgin anymore.

Me: I thought it was legal.

Nonna: Maybe. I gonna talk to God about this.

I will update you all on the legality of sex in the near future.  Hopefully my next blog post will be about something normal…like phallic egg plants.

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