Short but sweet little tidbit:
Nonna: I going to bed. I need some hot socks.
Me: Hot socks?
Nonna: My husband is dead. This is what givin me pleasure.
Nonna has a new habit of cooking food and then saying…”in one half-a hour I makin the most delicious dinner”
I said, “who are you…rachel ray?
Nonna: Who is rachel ray?
Me: The annoying woman (no offense ray ray..i liked you until I discovered you repeat recipes in your cookbooks) on at 10am.
Nonna: Oh she is stooopid.
Me: I know, but she became famous for making dinner in thirty minutes.
Nonna: So? Wha is the big deal? She special for cooking dinner? If they let me on tv I show them everything.
This reminded me of a conversation Nonna and I had a few weeks ago…
Me: Non, What would you teach on your show if you had one?
Nonna: I teachin chicken parmesean, meat-a-balls, pasta with peas, braciole, sausage and peppers, pizza, stromboli, cookies, pizzelle…everything I know I teachin everyone.
It is a cute image picturing Nonna on tv…and I feel that she would be a hit…until she makes something like this:
What is that you ask? Nonna’s version of a “casserole”
(No seriously)
I came home yesterday to Nonna excitedly telling me she “makin me on casserole for dinner.” I was excited…”a casserole? I don’t think you ever made me a casserole before.”
I sit down to dinner and nonna pulled the above out and I looked at the pan and thought to myself…what. the. f*ck.
Me: Non, this is not a casserole. A casserole is like…all chopped up. This looks like baked chicken, string beans and chedder cheese.
Non: Yes it is…a casserole.
Me: No its not.
Non: How you makin a casserole?
Me: Non, how can you make a casserole and not even know what one is.
Non: I make it up.
Me: Non, you cant just make up a recipe and call it a casserole…
Non: I can do whatever I want…
(of course she can)
Non: So how you makin a casserole.
Me: I will get you a recipe.
Non: I don need your shitty recipe. You eatin my casserole. It is delicious.
Me: Ok.
(it was pretty good…)
After dinner, I noticed above the toaster over the following:
Me: Non, why do you have the top of a pineapple in a bowl?
Non: Its so beautiful, it is decoration.
Me: Please tell me you are not keeping the top of a pineapple as “decoration.”
Non: Yes it is, why I gonna throw out beautiful things.
Me: Because it is a BUNCH OF LEAVES.
Non: Screw you. Screw on you. Wha you want…roses?
Me: No I want you to put trash where it belongs.
Non: In your room. You shitty thing.
Note/Warning: Thanksgiving is upon us…which means, the return of the middle sister. My middle sister, Brittany, is my younger, crasser, funnier and altogether cooler counterpart. I am contemplating allowing her blog about living with Nonna for a few days. Nonna has agreed to make Britt a sign to welcome her home, these are the phrases she is considering:
“Welcome Home and thank you for being here.”
“Welcome Home and Congratulations for Being Drunk”
“Welcome Home, I am proud when you come home.”
“Welcome Home, I don know what you do but I love on you”
Stay tuned 
Today is a very important day:
It is the one year anniversary of the day Nonna (pausing for dramatic effect…) broke her hip.
Now I know you are all reading this in disbelief: Nonna? Injured?
But, as all things Nonna…this story is like nothing you have ever heard. I hope you are all prepared…this is probably going to be a long one.
6:30am: Nonna awakens. She greets the day as she normally does: walks around and kisses her Jesus statues and heads downstairs to make her coffee. (See below picture of Nonna’s kitchen, notice window and 4 pictures of Jesus). 
6:45 am: On this particular morning in late November, she felt a slight draft. As you can see: Nonna has a window that is directly above her stove. So Nonna decided that it was time for her to repair the window. So, she got out her stepstool, screwdriver, and climbed up on top of her stove to tighten the window.
7:00 am: After she finished repairing the window, she went to climb back down. She missed the step-stool and fell directly on her left hip.
In Nonna’s words: I know its no good.
(I will tell the rest of Nonna’s story in her own words…as of course, her command of the english language is nothing short of masterful)
Nonna: I sit down and I say “Lord, your will be done. Thank you. You suffer for me a lot and I can suffer on you a little bit. Thank you. Thank you. I know its a miracle. I try and roll myself and I cant get up. So I get the chair and I put my stomacha up and I get an apple and I try and go upstairs and I go up stairs and I get in my bed and I stay there til 9am. I don even know what I did upstairs. My stomacha get me up stairs. I open one door, I cant open the other one. Then I open my television and watch my shows. Then 9am your aunt she call and say “oh you still home? Can you give me a favor, i left some chicken can you make some soup for me? and then I said “Jackie…I fell down…I thinkin I broke my hip.” And she say WHA! WHA! Like she go CRAZY. Then she callin the ambulance. You aunt she call daddy, your daddy call your step momma and then she come over and the police come over. They taken off the window because no body gonna get on my house and they come in and take on me to the hospital. Good thing I wash my (come se chiama) because I go over to the hospital and the doctor see everything. That’s it. Everybody come over. It was beautiful.
Ok, now for some of my additional commentary:
Nonna was scheduled for surgery this next morning, she basically had a partial hip replacement. The next morning the doctor came in to prep her for surgery.
Dr. Tu: Hello, My name is Doctor Tu. Like the number tu (puts out two fingers)
Nonna: Peace be with you. (puts out two fingers and touches the doctors fingers…)
(No serious….it was like slow motion when that happened – everyone in her room lost it, I don’t know how Dr. Tu kept it together.)
Surgery was successful. Nonna got new balls (and socket).
About 4 days later, Nonna was out of the hospital and she was being transferred to the rehabilitation center:
Nonna: I get dressed up real nice in beautiful night gown. I look so beautiful. And I get my pocketbook and the nurse come over and say what you doing? I say, wait for him (point to male nurse). The nurse she call the man over and he come over and I say…let’s go. He was so handsome. I would go but your grandfather would kill me. (note: my grandfather has been dead for 35 years).
The amazing thing is, for most people, a partial hip replacement is a long process. But for Nonna, she was home in 10 days. Walking without a walker 5 days after that. Walking without a cane by Christmas. By May, she climbed the Vatican’s cupula (all 320 steps…) and was pushing her push mower lawn mower without issue.
(In fact, as an additional side note: Nonna’s favorite part about traveling now is that she sets off the airport security alarm. She pulls out her “Doctor’s note” and says, you see, I have metal inside on me. Obviously the security guards check her anyway, to which her response: Why you no believe on my note? My doctor is no good?)
There was how ever…one draw back.
Nonna’s left leg is 1/2 inch longer than her right leg.
Nonna: I can’t figure it out. They put a big ball on me? Is that what makin my leg longer? I don have no idea. But the thing is just one. You find out how many people love on you when you breakin your hip. People I don even remember send me cards and flowers and prayers. I was so..how you say…popemlar (popular) the security guard told me “I cant give you no more passes. You have too many people on your room.” Don get me wrong, some people I don want to see AT ALL. But it was nice. I am the number one woman. It was a miracle. A miracle. I thank you Jesus all the time for my hip.
…and then…on this one year anniversary she began to show me her physical therapy exercises
Nonna: See…I was the number one student in terapy.
Friends…I have received Nonna’s great secret to a long, healthy life:
No Drinkin, Do Druggin, No Smokin and No Sex…
(Pausing for your obvious reaction).
Me: Nonna, what do you mean no sex?
Nonna: I don know sex is…how you say, stressful.
Me: To most people sex is stress relief…how is sex stressful to you?
Nonna: When you married, its a job. You gotta doin it all the time.
Me: Ok…but how is that stressful?
Nonna: Because its all this rig-um-and rolling (no english translation available) for what?
Me: (actually dying of laughter) Man, I would hate to be your wife.
Nonna: I no say I was bad at it.
(I actually fell on the floor at this point)
Nonna: You gonna see. When you married your husband wants to (insert groaning noise which sounds like a man being kicked in the groin here) and you want to sleepin.
Me: I see the problem.
Nonna: When you want to sleep and they want to (sticks up pointer finger) you gonna say…Nonna you was the number one smart woman.
…Nonna…I say that every day of my life.
As a side note: One of my best friends was cast as an injured trauma victim on the NBC show “Trauma” (you can find her face as the still screen here http://www.nbc.com/trauma/video/clips/thank-you/1176402/?__cid=thefilter) when I told Nonna about this Nonna said “Hey, how she get in that screen can I doin it? I think they gonna pay me a lot of money”
Any talent agents out there looking for a 4′11″ Sicilian woman?
Nonna: What would you do if when I die, and you say goodbye I go like this (winks at me) from my coffin?
Me: Scream?
Nonna: (hysterically laughing)
Nonna: In my home town my aunt knew this man. He died. Then he go to the casket and they no embalm him because they don’t do that there. And everybody cry. So in Italy they leave the body in the house overnight. In the middle of the night everybody sleeping and then all of a sudden this guy wakin up in the middle of the night in the coffin and he say “what on you people doing to me?!” And the guy he lived another ten years. Thank God he no embalmin…
Me: How do I even respond to that?
Nonna: In my home time: 1 bell means a man, dong. 2 bell is a woman and ding! ding! is a baby. (laughs hysterically)
Me: When you die, how many bells are going to ring?
Nonna: Just one, like a doorbell…and I gonna say to Jesus “I’m hooommme.”
I come home today and Nonna removed her hot water heater. Along with the wall. Literally. I am looking at a giant hole in the kitchen where the wall and hot water heater used to be.
She also spackled the hole in the wall caused by my dad yesterday.
All. By. Herself.
Note: My dad would like to make it expressly clear that the hot water heater was removed with his assistance. My apologies to all for a slightly incorrect blog entry.
Today, I passed the New Jersey bar (hooray!) After Nonna screamed for approximately 20 seconds, she began to cry. And when I say cry…I mean sob uncontrollably. Then she says the following:
Nonna: Honey, you a miracle. You a real miracle.
Me: Non, I’m at work, can we talk about this later?
Nonna: No you gonna hear on me, you is a miracle.
Me: Okay, I gotta go…we’ll talk later.
(few hours pass…I get home)
Nonna: (applause) You is better on everybody because you have two bars.
Me: Non, a lot of people pass two bars.
Nonna: No, but you is number one.
Me: Thanks.
Nonna: H-okay. You need to believe on miracles now you passin the bar.
Time-out (Zach-Morris style): In order to continue with this story, I need to tell everyone about my bar-taking experience. I was assigned to take the New York Bar exam in Buffalo, New York. Which meant, I needed to fly to take my bar exam. Then fly after two days of test taking back to New Jersey to take the NJ bar exam. So, my flight there gets cancelled. Then my computer has a nervous breakdown while I am taking the NY bar exam. Then I had to take the 2nd day, which was the worst test I have ever taken in my life. Then after the test, I decide to take a walk for ten minutes before I go to the airport when the sky opens up, on top of me. So I am soaking wet…(I’m sure you all can see where this is going). Then, I get to the airport to find that a humungous storm is hovering over the entire state of NY and there are no flights going out. At all. So, naturally I start hysterically crying. I call my dad who tells me to get a grip. I call my boyfriend who also tells me a grip. They call eachother stating I need to get a grip. Then my dad tells me I need to gear up to make the six hour drive back to New Jersey. I go to the rent-a-car places where I am informed there are no cars remaining. So what do I do? Sit down in the airport and cry. On top of that, my phone is dying. I am pretty sure this is the end of my life as I know it. Then, out of no where this kid comes up to me and says “Did you just take the NY bar exam?” I said, “yes” He said, “Are you taking the NJ bar exam?” I said, “Yes” He said, Where? I said “Somerset” He said “Want a ride?” I said “Are you a serial killer?” He said “No” and so naturally I went with him. 6 hours and a monsoon later I am at my hotel. I slept for about 2 hours, got up, got me some continental breakfast and took the NJ bar.
Back to Non
Nonna: You gonna belive on miracle. I knewin when you go to Buffalo you go for a reason. You go because God want you to believe on him. You gonna go on Church and tellin him you believe on him. God touchin on your beautiful face because he says Maria needs a lawyer (sidenote: What?). I so proud on you, but you no passin the bar, God passin for you. (sidenote: so my 3 months of studying was for nothing?) God is a miracle. You is a miracle. You gonna be somebody!
(ten minutes later)
Nonna: I think I am a lawyer. I tellin all my friends you educating me. That’s why you degree is in my room (true…).
Me: Pretty soon you are gonna cross out my first name on all my degrees and it will only read “Marie” and you will take credit.
Nonna: I think its a good idea.
As an additional side note: While I write this, Nonna is taping gift wrap to her wall to cover a hole my dad made when he tripped walking down the stairs today.
Me: Nonna, why are you gift wrapping the wall?
Nonna: Because the hole lookin terrible.
Me: So gift-wrapping it makes sense?
Nonna: To me, my house is a gift.
She has an answer for everything….
You may have guessed it from the “Dear Esq” in the upper left hand corner of the sign…but I passed the NY bar! (Hooray!)
So the above is a picture of what I came home to today…I don’t know what’s better…the fact that its blocking the door to my room, the fact that there is a copy of my law school graduation picture in the bottom right hand corner, or the fact that Nonna spelled “Congratulation” correctly.
This was Nonna’s reaction when I told her I passed:
Nonna: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD! OH MY JESUS! OH MY GOD JESUS! JESUS MARY MOTHER OF JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I LOVE YOU GOD! I LOVE YOU JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (hysterically crying)
Me: Are you ok? you sound like you are being murdered?
Nonna: Oh honey I am so proud on you. You gonna be somebody. You a LAW-YER.
Me: Yes. I have to go to go back to work now. crazy.
Nonna: H-okay. I lovin you. Did you call your father?
Me: Duh.
Nonna: H-okay I callin him.
Later, when I returned home and saw the giant sign, I naturally called my sister. My sister and I were very impressed at Nonna’s mastery of the English language, as demonstrated by her sign making skills. This reminded us of one of our favorite Nonna stories…her educatione.
Nonna grew up in a very poor town in Sicily. Back then, girls were only permitted to go to school until 5th grade. But Nonna was special. Once she had completed 5th grade once, she didn’t want to leave school. But the only way she could continue school is if she went to the local city – which was “too expense.” So Nonna’s momma – Nonna Nonna – spoke to the teacher, and got Nonna re-admitted to 5th grade…for two more years. Yes friends. Nonna went to the 5th grade three times. And she will not ever let you forget it. Nor will she let us forget she was the star pupil. When I asked her if she was the star pupil because she had already learned the lessons two times before she spit at me. (I’ll admit that was obnoxious).
In Nonna’s words: “If I come on this country I would be somebody. Like a nurse or a nun. I would be a good nurse with the children. They love on me. But, I can do this because I went only to 5th grade. I go three times. But that no matter here. Three times I go on fifth grade. I am smart. Don you forget it.”
Man, she’s so cute I can’t stand it.
I have officially joined the quarter century club…
How better to celebrate it than a day with the Non-ster? Work was closed for election day (so naturally I worked from my “home office” all day…)…so I actually got to spend the whole day with the crazy lady.
The Night Before My Birthday:
Non: What time you wakin up tomorrow?
Me: Im sleeping in.
Non: No its not. You got things to do.
Me: Its my birthday.
Non: So…its just another day.
Me: No, I am sleeping in until at least 8:30 a.m.
Non: We see…
Day of My Birthday
(loud banging noises)
Me: What the…(roll over, look at alarm, see its 8:30, get out of bed…walk to Nonna’s room where I find her banging her foot against the side of the bed and with the sheets up to her eyes).
Non: You up.
Me: Yes…
Non: Good now I can go to pee.
Me: Why couldn’t you pee before?
Non: Because you gonna get angry with me if i waken you up.
Me: When have you ever woken me up going to the bathroom?
Non: I don havin no idea.
Me: Well, whatever, you could have woken me up…its 8:30.
Non: (hysterically laughing) No its not, I trick on you…I make your clocks stay one hour ahead.
Me: You are hilarious. Thanks. How come you haven’t said happy birthday to me?
Non: Because its not your birthday. 25 years ago you was like this (insert diving motion here). I don’t know if you were facin up or down but I think you was like this (insert diving motion again). So I no sayin happy birthday until 11:30 am
Me: Thanks.
Non: Oh and another thing. I no makin you eggs. I don feel like it.
(I head downstairs to make myself pancakes)
Non: Why you no makin me coffee?
Me: Cause you make the coffee
Non: You off, you supposed to treat on me.
Me: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!
Non: Oh you thinkin you a principessa today?
Me: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!
Non: H-okay I makin you coffee.
(Nonna walks away and comes out with presents)
Non: Here you presents.
Me: Yay!
Non: Now I gonna tellin you how much I save. (watches me open) The jacket I get for $20 because the people is stupid. I say, give me $20 off and they say, ok. Because the lining was wrong. So i fix it and you never know and the stupid people gave me $20 off. (present #2) The sweaters I gettin you 30% off, good deal – so cute! (present #3) and I give you money from everything I save so you don’t thinkin I am cheap.
Pretty sweet deal…
Sushi
So I got myself some birthday sushi. Yum. Nonna, upon seeing my sushi, asks if she could try some. Naturally I let her…
Non: How you eatin this thing?
Me: Dip it in the soy sauce and put it in your mouth.
Non: (eats sushi) I don get the biggin deal. Rice and fish? They no even cookin. Everybody go crazy.
Me: It just tastes good.
Non: To you. To me, its like the fish in italy. No different. But you wastin your money on this for what. I make it for you one day.
Me: Nonna, you cannot make me sushi
Non: Yes it is. I catchin the fish, chop off its head and give it to you with rice. Brown rice because you watchin yuo figure.
Awesome.
Dinner
So nonna invites everyone over for dinner and tells me she is making pot roast, potatoes and pasta…
Nonna: What kind of potatoes you want, roast or mashed?
Me: Mashed.
(Nonna makes roasted potatoes)
Me: How come I didn’t get mashed potatoes?
Non: I no feel like it. I makin you whatever I feel like…I inviting you for dinner. What kind of cake you like?
Me: Hm…chocolate?
(Nonna makes an apple cake…which she made last week…so now i have had apple cake for 9 straight days)
Me: Where is my birthday cake?
Non: I makin you h-apple cake.
Me: For my birthday?
Non: I feel like it…
(Side Story: The apple cake recipe is from Nonna’s new favorite cook book: the 1979 Ewing Township Policewives Association Cookbook. In Nonna’s words: This is the best cookbook on my life.)
After Dessert:
Non: Honey, I going to bed because I no rest today. Happy Birthday.
Me: Ok Non, goodnight.
Non: I glad you come out like this 25 years ago (diving motion, then swimming). You was fat. I lovin you.
Love you too non
In the spirit of election eve…here is Nonna’s take on New Jersey politics this evening:
Nonna: I don get it. One is fat. The other is hagly. And everyone fights like they is stupid. Then they makin me pay. Today I go to the h-eye doctor. They telling me I gonna pay $35 for test. Why they give me test. They don ask. They give me test. Now, I seein on the television all these shitty people. They don have to pay $35 for doctor. They havin doctors in their house. I gonna see em and kick them in the (points to her butt).
Me: Tell me how you really feel.
Nonna: No, you don have no idea. You comin here and you get food and laundry and everything. You no worry about these doctors.
Me: True.So are you gonna vote?
Nonna: (crazy laughter) You thinkin I am gonna vote for fat or hagly? No its not. They gonna vote on me. Maria for president number one. I am better than Obama.
Me: You can’t be president, you weren’t born in this country.
Nonna: I am better than you. I took my citizen esame.
Me: I know you did.
Nonna: I passin the first time. We don know if you pass test the first time (referring to my bar…thanks Non, as if i am not nervous enough…).
(no response from me)
Nonna: you gonna pass.
(still no response)
Nonna: Honey, you gonna pass. You gonna be president like me.
Me: You arent president.
Nonna: I am hold lady, I can no be president.
Me: Well McCain tried and he’s older than you.
Nonna: Who is this McCain?
Me: The guy who ran against Obama.
Nonna: No the lady run against obama. I likin her.
Sarah Palin 2012 anyone?
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