Day 182: Lent

As you may or may not know…Ash Wednesday is nearly a week away.  Naturally, Nonna is planning her 40 days of devotion to my other roommate.Until recent years, Nonna used to fast (eat one meal a day) for all of Lent.  She also goes to Church every day (instead of her usual 5-6 days a week) and will remind me daily to go to Church (hence, signing me up for a religious retreat).

In addition to all of the above, Nonna, like most other Catholics, gives something “up” for Lent. Usually, Nonna gives up cursing my mom for Lent, but this year, she has a new goal in mind…

Yesterday, Nonna told me she gained 5lbs.  As you know, Non is very proud of her weight…so this was very upsetting to her.  Her doctor told her it was ok as she is a fine specimen of health (way to go ox!), but still Nonna wanted to make some changes.  So here are Nonna’s “Lenten Resolutions”

Nonna: I thinkin I gonna fast this year.

Me: Non, we talked about this, its not good to fast at your age you need to eat.

Nonna: No, I gonna eat breakfast, lunch and dinner, but nothing in between.  And for lunchin I gonna have a salad.

Me: Ok…

Nonna: And I no eat sweets. No cookies, no cake no chocolata.

Me: Ok.

Nonna: And I gonna start walkin again.

Me: Nonna…are you going on a diet for lent?

Nonna: Yes. But its why I do it during Lent. Because if I do it for Jesus its easier.

Me: Isn’t going on a diet selfish though for Lent?

Nonna: No, I give up talkin bad about people like your mother.

Me: Ok, phew.

Nonna: And you gonna go to Church.

Me: I know, I know…

So in approximately 50 days, Nonna will be skinny AND nice….I hope my blog stays interesting…without her food and talking bad about people, what am I gonna write about?!

Day 180: I hate you Dr. Oz…

After spending 24 hours straight locked up in a house with Nonna (and gaining a solid 5 lbs since friday…)…Nonna got a little fresh with me…(ok, its not really that shocking…).

Warning: This Blog Post is NC-17.

Nonna: You ever watchin Dr. Oz?

Me: From Oprah?

Nonna: Yes. He havin his own show now.

Me: Oh I didn’t know that.

Nonna: They talk about everything…

Me: Doesn’t he just talk about sex?

Nonna: Yes seem like it. But I think its a funny show.

Me: Why?

Nonna: You ever wonder what the normal size penis is?

Me: Um…

Nonna: Four and One Half-a inches.

Me: Alright.

Nonna: That’s-a Small!

Me: Nonna, you have only seen one penis in your life how would you know?!

Nonna: I know it…all the people lookin shocked on tv.

Me: Ok…

Nonna: Then, this woman gettin up and she say, Dr. Oz, when I havin sex I (nonna makes a fart noise)

Me: (laughing so hard I can’t breathe)

Nonna: Dr. Oz sayin its normal. Sometimes air escapin.

Me: Oh. My. God.

Nonna: But you imagin…

Me: (literally can’t stop laughing)

Nonna: And then they speakin about how long it supposed to take.

Me: How long what is supposed to take?

Nonna: Sex. Dr. Oz say takin your time, relax, enjoyin it and some of the women say, hurry up! finish because they don’t like it.

Me: And what are your thoughts.

Nonna: Somewhere in the middle…one two three is no good, but its no good to takin for ever.  I have thingin to doin.

Me: Well, I am glad you are educating yourself.

Nonna: I could say everything on that show…I mean, Dr. Oz say what is better the long penis or the fat penis.

Me: Nonna, seriously…

Nonna: I say, both! But Dr. Oz sayin it don’t matter at all.

Me: Wow.

Nonna: One day you gonna say my nonna she knowin everything.

Me: Right now I think you know too much.

Nonna: Fifth grade three times.

Happy Super Bowl Sunday!

Day 179: Snow Bunny

I must begin this blog by stating that it is 8:53 am.

This morning, like most of you, I woke up to a blanket of the white stuff.  Now, I really love being snowed in…partially because I am a nut job and I don’t relax unless I am physically forced to…which is exactly what snowdays mean.  Unless you live with Nonna.

I think I get my inability to sit still from the “hold lady” – when I woke up about an hour ago, I come downstairs to find her making coffee, and I was relieved because it seemed the whole morning was going to be so peaceful – a quiet cup of coffee, good conversation, and sticky buns in the oven (don’t worry I had 3 – and a piece of nonna pizza – after the 6 i had last night…calories don’t count on snow days?).

She poured me a cup of coffee and I sat down to enjoy it….when all of a sudden Nonna started yelling:  Hey! I need to showin you something! Come with me! COME ON!

She grabbed by arm and literally pulled me up the stairs…I made a diligent attempt to grab my coffee, but to no avail.  Nonna takes me through her sun porch and flings open the door (I guess she didn’t get the memo its about 30 degrees outside and I am in my pjs….).

Nonna:  Look! Look! Look! (points to the road)

Me: What am I looking at?

Nonna: The two hearts! Somone makin it for you and me!

I mean I have to admit that is cool/kinda weird…

Me: Did someone do it?

Nonna: I thinkin your dad because he is an angel or Jesus.

Me: Uh, Dad is probably sleeping…maybe lauren (my sister)?

Nonna: No, Lauren don thinkin of me.

Me: Oh…ok? Then probably Jesus.

Nonna: I think so. H-okay, I found the shovel.

Me: Oh that’s good.

Nonna: (gets shovel from garage and walks outside in her robe, slippers, nightgown and crazy hair and starts shoveling steps).

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! IT IS STILL SNOWING OUT.

Nonna: So… I gonna do the steps.

Me: YOU ARE RUINING SNOW DAY!

Nonna: You would have no work anyway its saturday.

Me: DON’T RUIN MY DAY! (proceeds to run away).

Nonna: H-okay, I makin you do this later when there is four feet.

Me: (eating 2/3 of sticky buns) I am not shoveling snow until the snow stops falling.

Nonna: Ok joy-a.  (looks outside) My birds is gonna die.

Me: What birds?

Nonna: My birds, my friends they lookin all over for food but can’t find nothing.  I gonna feed them.  Then I gonn bring St. Francis inside.

Me: Huh?

Nonna: My St. Francis is covered in snow. (St. Francis is a statue…side note: ever since law school I have a difficult time typing the word “statue” I always want to write “statute.”  That is neither here nor there, I just felt like sharing.)

Me: Well, I mean….is the snow going to hurt it?

Nonna: No. But I don want him to be cold.

Me: Ok…well St. Francis is for the animals…so maybe but some bird food near the St. Francis statute and St. Francis can feel like he is doing his job.

Nonna: Thats a good idea…(goes upstairs to put bird food near St. Francis statue)

(few minutes later)

Nonna: Today, I gonna make soup. I don feel like it, but it is a day to make soup.

Me: Yess….I love your soup.

Nonna: I know. (sees me eating my 3rd sticky bun) What are you obese?

Me: (stops mid bite…) Umm…

Nonna: I gonna put a lock on all the food so you don eat anymore.

Me: (cracks up) First, I am too skinny…next I am too fat?

Nonna: Today you is obese.

Me: True.

(few minutes later)

Nonna: Hey, you wan a piece of the nut-a bread?

Me: What is nut bread?

Nonna: Bread with the nuts…it is “organica”

Me: Where did you get organic nut bread?

Nonna: Dollar Store. (laughs) No, someone givin it to me.

Me: No thank you I am on a diet now.

Nonna: Good idea.

Now, my little Nonna is making a vat of chicken noodle soup…I have a feeling there may be a few hilarious updates to my snow adventure with nonna…stay tuned!

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: Nonna informed me this week she signed me up for a religious retreat with her alter rosary society, without asking me first.  No. Seriously. I will be the youngest person there by 50 years.  I am doing this all for you (and for Jesus my roommate of course).  I think it may end up being the greatest blog post of the year.

Day 174: Diva

I come home from work today and Nonna is wearing sunglasses and sitting on her recliner.

Nonna: Haalo.

Me: Why are you wearing sunglasses?

Nonna: Cause I feel like it.

Me: Ok…did you miss me? (I went to vegas for the weekend – my friend was in the Miss America pageant – yay shannon!).

Nonna: No.

Me: Fine then I wont give you your present.

Nonna: So, I don’t care.

Me: Oh you are a diva?

Nonna: I don know what that is but I think I am.

(few minutes later, me, non and lil sista lauren are sitting around the table)

Nonna: You watchin the award yesterday? (note: sunglasses are still on)

Me: The grammy’s?

Nonna: Yes. You know fiancee win 6 awards.

Me: Fiancee?

Nonna: Fiance, Diance what is her name?

Me/Lil immo: Beyonce?

Nonna: Yea! She win a lot of award. And that other girl win album of the year.

Me: Taylor Swift.

Nonna: Yes. Who is the girl who hang from the ceiling?

Me: Pink?

Nonna: Why was she naked?

Me: She wasn’t naked.

Nonna: Yes it is. I see.

Me: No it was like a nude bodysuit…

Nonna: Oh. (pause) I no like it.

While this is all going on, we’re watching the Bachelor.  If you ever want to really laugh, you need to watch the bachelor with Nonna.  She hates it – but she can’t stop watching it (I can relate…but I secretly love it).  Now, if you don’t watch the Bach you can stop reading now (or just skip to the bottom for my side note)…

Nonna: These girls are crazy. I no like them at all.

Me: I know.

Nonna: Who is the crazy vienna?

Me: I don’t know…the crazy girl?

Nonna: She is stoopid.

Me: I know.

Nonna: I thnk I like the virgin.

Me: Yea…she’s nice.

Nonna: I like virgins…

Me: Mary was one.

Nonna: Me too.

Me: No you are not.

Nonna: Yes it is.

Me: I’m not getting into this debate again.

Nonna: H-ok no problem.

Me: You don’t actually believe you’re a virgin again do you?

Nonna: No. But, I wishin I was. Too much work.

Me: If you were…you wouldn’t have me!

Nonna: Good, then I don have to cookin and cleanin and doin laundry and cry.

Me: But you would be bored.

Nonna: No I would be a good nun.

Me: I love you.

Nonna: I love you too.

Side note: Today in the mail…I got an invitation to join AARP for the low price of $16 a year.  I ran downstairs to show Nonna and she says “I so happy you becoming more like me everyday.”

Day 169: State of the Nonna Address

The Following Conversation took place “real time” beginning at 9:00 pm EST:

Nonna: You cousin is on.

Me: I know.

Nonna: What is that state on the union address?

Me: It is a speech the president gives ever year about what is going on in the country and what he hopes to do this year.

Nonna: Ok ok.

(silence)

Nonna: I think I have an idea.  I think you should write to Michelle.

Me: Why?

Nonna: Say, hey first-a lady, I am a young lawyer and I need a job and can you give me some advice.  You think she write back to you?

Me: Maybe. But doubtful.

Nonna: If she write on back you I never gonna make fun on her clothes again. Maybe she give you a job?

Me: Probably not Non.

Nonna: You and michelle you run the country.

Me: In J-Crew.

Nonna: No, I no like J-Crew, too expense.

Me: Ok in JC Penney

Nonna: Ok.

(silence)

Nonna: I think the vice president no want to get up…these people stand to much.  It’s nice exercise!

(side note: Nonna proceeds to stand up and sit down every time Congress does for the next ten minutes).

(Minute 47: Nonna fell asleep.)

Nonna: Obama come on, I need to go home.

Me: You are home…

Nonna: No I need to go dream about Jesus

(after speech)

Nonna: Well, I hope he givin me a raise on my social security next year.

Day 167: Everything…its whats for dinner…

I really believe Nonna thinks I am starving.

Today, I come home ready to eat and find a delicious sight: grilled cheese.

Now, few people understand how much I love a grilled cheese sandwhich. Its probably one of my all time favorite things to eat – something about bread and cheese and butter makes my heart swell.

I sit down to eat my grilled cheese and some veggies, when Nonna walks up to me with an announcement:

Nonna: I makin you something else.

Me: Oh, thanks Non but this is enough.

Nonna: (pulls out of the oven sausage and potatos) You gonna eat it.

Me: Non, I really am ok.

Nonna: You gonna eat it now.  Make me feel good.

Me: Ok (have a piece of sausage)

Nonna: No potatos?

Me: I didn’t feel like it.

Nonna: (starts to slam things around kitchen)

Me: Ok ok ok….(eats potatos)

Nonna: Do you know what today is?

Me: What?

Nonna: Feast of St. Paul. So I makin cavatelli and you need to eat it because you a sinner.

Me: Seriously?

Nonna: Yes. You gonna eat it now.(pulls out bowl of pasta)

Me: Non, I have already eaten a grilled cheese, veggies, sausage, potatos…

Nonna: Its a devotion.

Me: Fine. (eats pasta like a good catholic?)

Nonna: time for dessert?

side note: Nonna has also taken to throwing surprises in my lunch….for example, today I packed my lunch box and when I get to work – surprise – two pieces of pizza.  I know many of you are probably jealous..but really, how am I supposed to keep up my girlish figure with this?!

Day 160: The Dog Whisperer

Humans aren’t the only people who love Nonna…

Meet Jessee (My dad and step-mama’s dog)…she probably loves Nonna more than you.

My parents were away this weekend, so Nonna was charged with watching Jess for 24 hours.  I came home today to the following story:

Nonna: That dog love on me like you wouldn’t believe.  I telin you she listen better than you kids. I say: GET HERE! and she come. I say, SHUTUP! and she shutup. Then I feed her. Then she sit next to me and no speak one word.

Me: Well, dogs don’t speak…

Nonna: No, she speak. RUF RUF! Also, she speak italian.  I can say whatever I want and she do it.  I say, mangia buottana (eat bitch) and she eats.  I say, aspetta momento (wait a minute) and she stops.  Then she given me a kiss. Nicer than you.

Me: Ok, well maybe you can try your techniques on Jessee on me.

Nonna: MANGIA BUOTTANA.

Me: I’m not hungry.

Nonna: See…ok, go take the dog for a walk.

I go over to my parents house and take the dog out for a run, bring her back and then tell Jess I am going to Nonna’s house.  The second I said “Nonna” the dog went crazy, found her leash and stood in front of the door.  So I decided to bring her over.  Jessee runs down stairs and attacks Nonna with kisses.  Then, the real battle begins…

Jessee is a curious dog, she loves to walk around and get into everything…which Nonna does not like…so everytime Jessee moves, Nonna yells.  Which has led to a series of fake barricades around the house like this:

Jessee, a highly intelligent canine, jumps over the pillows and gets where she wants to go. So Nonna, being crafty as always, decides to get Jessee to listen by feeding her cheese doodles (sorry dad and T I tried to stop her…). Which led to a series of conversations which went like this:

Nonna: Hey, doggie, come get a cheese chip.

Jessee: (does whatever nonna wants, eats cheese chip)

Me: What is a cheese chip?

Nonna: This thing (holds up a cheetoh)

Me: Thats a cheese doodle…

Nonna: I gonna try it on you. Hey come here! I got a Cheese Chip Doodle

Me: You are so bizarre.

Nonna: Look at the dog…she sit by me and don’t move.

(Notice the dog, laying in my spot, with the remote, watching soap operas with non…shes been in that position for 45 minutes)

…now if only I could get her to train my future children to do things for cheese doodles…

Day 154: The Divorce

The Honeymoon is over.

This weekend…in an unprecedented turn of events, I (or expert IKEA builder chris) erected a desk in my room.  Which means I no longer have to listen to telenovellas at volume 87 while reading briefs.  Nonna, however, finds this change of venue quite upsetting.

Nonna: You and me are divorce.

Me: Why?

Nonna: It look like I’m dead. You go upstairs and I no can watch you.

Me: Watch me what?

Nonna: I like to look on you.

Me: But you watch tv.

Nonna: No I watchin you read and make sure you dont fall asleep. Now I don know when you go upstairs what you do. So we is divorce.

Me: Well, if we’re divorced will you still cook for me.

Nonna: No.

Me: Do my laundry?

Nonna: No.

Me: Tell me if I need to iron my shirt?

Nonna: No. We is divorce. You go to your room then you leavin me alone.

Me: Well, that’s sad…

Nonna: H-ok I make you dinner. But you need to talk to me for one hour a day.

Me: Ok. Deal. I am going to my room now.

Nonna: You have work to do now?

Me: I always have work, duh.

Nonna: We divorce again.  I can’t be married to someone who works so much.  Who gonna love me? My friend on tv? I gonna cry everynight and you gonna hear me and you gonna cry because you make your wife so sad. And then I will die. And then you feel bad.I gonna die and no one is gonna find me for six days because you go home and go to your room and they is enough food in the fridge for six days. So when the food run out then you notice I dead.

Probably true. (Just Kidding!)

Personal Side Note: Pops: Nonna has a box of pannetone waiting for you.  She wants to drink tea and eat cake with you…she talks about it every day. And no, I dont know when she started drinking tea either…

Day 151: New Year’s Resolutions

Nonna: I gonna tell you my New You resolution.

Me: What is it?

Nonna: When you come down in the morning I no gonna tell you if you look like shit.

Me: What?

Nonna: I don care if you have one brown shoe and one black shoe or your hair lookin crazy. I no gonna say one word.

Me: How is that a New Year’s Resolution?

Nonna: Because you gonna learn how to dress yourself.

Me: Do I normally look bad?

Nonna: No, but the other day you makin me very mad because you wore a new shirt and you no iron the shit.

Me: It was a button down shirt…I didn’t know I had to iron it when it was brand new.

Nonna: Yes it is. You gonna iron it.

Me: I am hopeless.

Nonna: H-ok I tell you if your shirt need to be iron. But nothing else, I no like the way you react to me.

Me: No, its because when I come downstairs in the morning you evaluate me and then walk away. Come back and try and fix me.  You can just tell me instead.

Nonna: See, you is ungrateful.

Me: No, I am not ungrateful, I just don’t like to be smacked around at 6am.

Nonna: So what is your New You resolution.

Me: Be nicer to you.

Nonna: Good idea. Now I don need to do my New You resolution.

Day 147: Nonna’s Crush

I hope you are all sitting down for this one.

Today, I caught Nonna trying to sneak in a new telanovella.  Now, I know I haven’t realy spoken about this since the first entry or so, but Nonna’s love for spanish tv has gotten so bad she now considers herself trilingual.  She has even memorized their commercials…it’s like some kind of weird Rosetta Stone for her or something…

Anyway, as this has gotten out of hand, I had to regulate: She is only allowed to watch one telanovella from 8pm-9pm every night. After that, we switch to english tv or I don’t hang out with her.  She has agreed and has been pretty compliant until tonight.

At 9:05, I notice Non is watching a NEW telanovella…So i called her out on it:

Me: It’s 9:05, El Nombre del amor is over, english tv only.

Nonna: But this one is so beautiful.

Me: No. Absolutely not.

Nonna: Look at that man, I love him so much.

Me: Who is he?

Nonna: My cousin told me he is German (I know a german on spanish tv…interesting), but he is so handsome.

Me: Yea he is.

Nonna: I have dreams on him.

Me: Excuse me?

Nonna: For 34 years I no dream of no man except Jesus, now he come on my dreams.

Me: Are you serious?

Nonna: Oh yes. I wakin up and say, oh, that was nice.

Me: I dont want to know what kind of dreams you are having…

Nonna: You gonna know one day.

So, being that Non is so cute, and she made me my favorite Din, I permitted her to watch the telanovella at 9:00. Every time the hot german spanish actor came on, Nonna would sigh and say “he so beautiful.” Until…

The HGSA’s tv wife had a baby…and the guy only gave his wife 4 flowers:

Nonna: WHA?! She just had a baby and he givin her that little thing…CHEAP!

Me: Yea that’s pretty weak.

Nonna: I no dream of him anymore.

Me: Its just tv non…

Nonna: I don care…the man on my dream gonna givin me lots of flowers if I pushin out a baby…

I mean…she does have a point…